~ Fleur's Journey ~

A Special Day

2010-04-07T17:05:00.002+08:00

Happy birthday to you...
Happy birthday to you...
Happy birthday to Floraaaaaa.....
Happy birthday to you!!!

Happy birthday Flora! Its your big day today and I hope you are having a wonderful time up there celebrating this special day. I believe God gave you a day off today to celebrate your special day :) Enjoy yourself and I just want you to know that you are so dearly missed by family and friends.

We love you as much as you have loved all of us.

p/s: I know you would not mind me taking the liberty of writing on your blog today :)

Cindy

Flora

2009-08-23T09:44:00.002+08:00

Dear Friends,

Flora has just left us peacefully to be with our Lord this morning at 0530hrs. Praise the Lord.

Wake is being arranged at St Joseph's Dying Aid at Hougang Ave 8, next to the Nativity Church, opp Punggol Park.

Prayer for Flora - 22 Aug 09

2009-08-21T17:07:00.003+08:00

Dear All,

Flora's family suggested a Holy Communion or Psalm 91 prayer to unite all friends and family of hers at 9pm, Saturday, 22nd Aug 09.

Please join in the prayer for Flora.

Thank you.

Cindy

Update

2009-08-20T10:34:00.002+08:00

Dear All,

Just received an sms from Flora's brother, Terence this morning:

'Thanks 2 u all being great friends n in vigil. Flo feels better n I hope 2 take her out 4 breather this evening'

Please continue to pray for Flora to give her strength to fight on. Thank you all for your prayers and concern.

Cindy

Prayers for Flora

2009-08-18T21:23:00.003+08:00

On behalf of Flora and family, I have decided to take the liberty to post it on Flora's blog.

Flora's family has arranged for a recitation of Psalm 23 at 9pm on 19 Aug 2009.

Please join in the praying where ever you are and pray for a miracle recovery for Flora.

Thank you all.

Cindy

God really plans in advance...

2009-07-24T19:46:00.002+08:00

Now i know the reason why he had allowed me to balloon to a very obscene weight in the past 3 years despite all the chemo treatments that I underwent. When most people lose weight which each chemo treatment, I bloom like there is no tomorrow.

My appetite was excellent, and boy can I eat!!! I ate everything, sometimes i feel rather shameful of my greediness. I am most often than not hungry.... I could not ever understand the meaning of no appetite.

This is all to prepare for the stage I am in now.

On a Bad day...
Breakfast - 4 Spoonfuls of Oats with hot water
Lunch - 3 spoonfuls of whatever mummy tries to cook for me... or else , its one pack tau huey from NTUC

Dinner - Lemon water and maybe 2 bites of bread

Good day (like today)
Breakfast - 1 cup of hot tea no sugar no milk, and about 3 pieces of char siew chee cheong fun

Lunch - half a cup of macs Strawberry Sundae, bite size piece of fish

Dinner - Bite Size piece of fish with 2 spoonfuls of eggs fried with long beans (no oil)

I have the energy to walk around, and my thunder voice is still at its peak, because of all the energy (fats) I have stored in my body collected over the last 3 years.... :)

See God really plans in advance :D

Hope & Faith

2009-07-21T17:24:00.004+08:00

Hope & Faith......
The past couple of days , these were the main 2 things that got me through some of the difficult times, other than the love from my family and friends :)

This just kept going through my head.....

" Hope gives me reason to fight to live for one more day.... Faith gave me the strength to live through that one more day!"

Ixempra is not a easy drug to handle. With the minimum dose that I get, its already bad enough, makes me wonder whether this is really the best course of action I should take in my journey.

Friday Evening was a evening that truly tested my faith in God. Never have I cried out so loud for God to just give me enough of the pain that he knows I can bear, and to take it all away when he knows I have reached my limit. I am glad he did not disappoint me.

Mum played a huge part in getting me through that night, alot of massaging on her part, and the constant ensuring that my heat pack was hot enough to help me take away the muscle bone aches that does not allow me to lie, sit or do anything. With a tummy that seems to want to burst any moment, it was so uncomfortablt that the thought of just taking a knife just to stab through that ballooon to relieve the bloatedness did cross my mind.
Of course I did not Silly *grin*

Its just when you are feeling like that, morbid thoughts does hit my head from time to time... so please forgive me .... its that dramatical side of me that I believe *whisper* I have inherited from my father HA HA

I did not dare to call Jie (as no one was home till about 9pm that night) Cos i had to make that awful sound which ironically helped me to cope with my breathlessness and pain. I know calling jie would just put her into this unnecessary panic mode and she would probably insisted to call an ambulance then...... which I know it was really not necessary at that point in time. Cos somehow I know, that pain was just something I had to go through that night, and I will be much better the next day.

A good news about that night was that, it made mum learn how to say the rosary. I have to say, I am now very very sure and Jie is also now convinced that our intelligence definitely came from mummy's genes HAHAHHAHA poor dad....

Well, you see, my mum had minimum chinese education, she has never had any formal lessons on the language English. Saying the Rosary for the uninitiated, is not an easy task, what more when your grasp of the basic english is not even there. I am proud to say that, that night itself mummy managed to memorise half of "The Creed"
its just plain amazing!!!

Middle of that very night maybe about 4am Sat morning, I could feel my tummy softening and the muscle pain fading away, which allowed me to finally sleep soundly enough for a couple of hours.

Some of the other side effects of Ixempra that I had was mild nausea, and also tummy pain, but each day, I just get better.

Appetite is bad, everything is quite smelly HA HA...

Mummy gives up on making food for me, she called Jie to complain, cos the porrdige she made, I said smelly, the mee suah she cooked was "bleah"

all i can stomache mostly is a couple spoonfuls of oats and lots of hot water, Lemon water helps, but i realised cold water is not good for tummy pain, so now i drink alot of very hot water.

I keep my water intake minimal, cos I realised if I space out my water drinking, it helps to keep the bloatedness in my tummy down :)

Ok back to Hope and Faith

The Hope that keeps me going is , to be able to have a 2nd chance to live my life right:)

My faith? God has his plans for me... I will continue to hope, but I live my faith in him, for only he knows. Maybe my 2nd chance will be here this life, maybe somewhere else that he has promised us :D

So if you have had a bad day, have Hope, and then don't let go of your Faith.

When you have your reason to hold on, Faith gives you the strength to keep that hope going :D

2 more days when I am back to the full human me.... Till then I will definitely write a much more cheerful and less scary journal .... so there till then...hold on to that Faith :D

Shedding...

2009-07-15T17:04:00.002+08:00

I started shedding on Saturday, actually when I went Bellini with the girls, the hair was already falling out, and I just hoped that it would not be that bad through the night.

On Sunday when I woke up, it was disastrous, the pillow was covered with thousands of strands of hair, and every time I just sweep through my hair, I would be grabbing at least 20 over strands in my hands. This was rather new to me, though hair was not very long, but whenever I am on chemo where I am told that I would lose my hair, I would already have shaven it all off before the shedding starts.

This time round, I guess everything just happened too soon.

I wore a scarf to church for I was afraid that at the rate my hair was shedding, I would have bald patches in the afternoon.

Felt embarrassed to call my botak shaver (cousin) on a last minute basis, so after church, decided to brave myself and walk into this malay barber in Century Square that Godsons always go for their hair cuts.

Walked in and told them I want the hair all gone, the barber was rather taken aback, and then I told him I was on chemo, and no further questions were asked. I think in view of that, they were very sympathetic, though there were some that were KPO that took a stroll to the back of the shop where I was seated to witness my shaving.

One of them even joked that I should have 6 holes burned into my head HA HA Ha....

The one that shaved for me was very nice, he made sure he was very careful not to cut my scalp.

There are really many nice people in this world.

Shedding is funnny, but very very leychey, poor mummy was alarmed with the amount of hair on my towel...ha ha.....

Even lucky sheds lesser than moi :D

Complacency is not a good thing

2009-07-15T11:09:00.003+08:00

Well, I guess we can all expect, me the complacency queen has yet again got alittle tooo complacent last week with feeling overall almost back to normal, to only start feeling uncomfortable again on Sunday. Monday was still bearable, but yesterday, the tummy was sooooooo bloated and hard, that I had to stay at home and do nothing.

It was pretty uncomfortable I must say, I really felt like this 9 mth pregnant woman, lying on my tummy was a NONO, it felt like a compressed balloon that threatens to burst if I continued to lay in that position.

I prayed really hard last night, and mummy too.... she's actually memorised "Hail Mary" last night, must have tried to start saying her rosary yesterday. I think she is very motivated by AC's gesture and hence is not so against our Catholic practices anymore.

Anyway, mummy again helped massaged my tummy last night, and somehow through the night, i could feel the tummy bloatedness releasing alittle, which is the reason why I am able to come to work today. Abit tired, cos I practically at nothing much at all, Salad in the afternoon and "tau huey" for dinner.

Tummy is still hurting alittle here and there, but its definitely bearable :D

Tommorrow is Cycle 2...... *bite nails*

It will be a good session..... Cheers

A Gift from God's Angel - Thank You

2009-07-13T14:02:00.002+08:00

I have to share this Miracle with everyone.

First, this blog is my little way of Thanking AC for his kindness and generosity.
I am touched beyond words, and his actions have given me hope, strengthened my faith in our Father further.

Thank you AC. I have received the precious gift and I cannot wait for the day I can pass it on to someone who needs it more than me. I pray that you remain healed and your faith in our father will grow stronger each and everyday. I also pray for blessings of good health and happiness not only for you but your family as well.

What happened?

Two Saturdays ago, I went with Jie and Mum to Novena Church. Jie started going the Saturday before for me, since the day I had the news about my liver and seeing me in such agony during my Chemo the last time, Jie travelled all the way down to Novena to send in her petition to Mother Mary for her interception to Our Father for my healing.

So I went the very next Saturday, and I did too put in a petition for Mother Mary's Interception for my healing.

I have to say, everything just happened positively since that visit.

When I came home, that very week , I checked my email and I saw this email from AC, who shared briefly with me his story. The next thing he told me took my breath away, about this blessed Rosary that was given to him by a Nun at the church when he was first diagnosed. Now that he is healed he has offered to send me that same Rosary for he felt that I needed it more than he needed it now.
I was soo touched that I cried, that a complete stranger who only knew me through my blog has offered to do such a wonderful thing for me.

I have just received it. AC definitely kept to his word and in no delay sent the blessed Rosary via Fedex to me.

I keep it with me now, knowing that Mother had interceded for me, and Father had heard me and thus sent me this blessed gift via his Angel, AC.

I am so blessed.

Thank you :)

Boogie Nights @ Bellini with Estique 2009

2009-07-13T10:44:00.005+08:00

Well, made it to Bellini alright on Saturday, and we girls had loads of fun!!!
There were 5 of us…. The Estiques….. HAHAHAH this was the name we gave to ourselves during the Centrepoint Kids days, and that's what we call ourselves in the message columns in the "Singapore Post" *laugh*

There is H, L , S, J and Moi….. Tooooo bad E was not able to join us.
My God, we had to stop ourselves from mouthing every single songs that were played *grin*
I must say the crowd there is definitely comfortable….. I guess it ranges from the mid 20s (not so many) to the 60s or 70s *laugh* yes, Old uncle very happening ok, was shaking his bootie with everyone else…..

We saw a couple of very classy women, I have to give it to them they definitely were women whom I would term as age gracefully. Their dressings were tasteful and elegant. Ah… something I doubt I can achieve haahahhaha cos I think sometimes I am way tooooo "chor Lor" (rough in hokkien)

Well, we danced, we laughed, we tooooooook so many pictures acting like teenagers again, but now with the convenience of digital cameras HAHAHAHHAHA…..
Its good to dance again, though, I can last no more than 5 songs, unlike before where I was able to boogie the entire night if the music is good.

I have to say, some aunties who are definitely older have much better staminas than me… HA HA…. I bet is the Qi gong they do every morning.

Its really nice to see old couples still enjoying their lives, sharing their passion for good old dancing.

I really think the move to ban smoking in clubs, is the best thing government has ever done. No one is suffocating from smoke, and the air was actually rather pleasant.

L did not eat the whole day, so she was quite gone by the end of the night, I was getting quite tired, handling her *laugh* but it was good old fun…. She made us laugh sooo hard, that you just cannot be angry with her at all and instead love her more.... S when she was abit high, the good thing is her mother instinct was very strong so she took good care of L ... tilll the part where we had to drop her off... Aiyoo.... headache HAHAHHAHA....

L and S was sobbing quite abit .... and they almost made me cry tooooo!!!!

I am definitely going to miss S, for she is leaving for Beijing for 3 years... but am looking forward to getting well and will definitely head there for shopping spree with L :D

I think that night, we've never said sooo many "I love Yous" in our entire life *grin*
Thank God for H who was the only one who drove, and the years of running a pub has definitely increased her drinking prowes that she got us all home safe and sound.
In a manual car TOOOO….

I think in the Estique group… other than J, I am the only person in there whose driving is still KAYU.

U see… L is the road terror, she drives like a man. H showed me that she is has reached that level tooooo:P S definitely drives just as good, E has been driving all her life it seems….
And Yes, I was reminded of my bad driving skills ……. I was definitely not spared, but really, if I have everyone around me driving so well, then it only makes sense for me to be driven right? HA HA HA excuses…… Ok after I get a apt of my own and If I have spare cash, or get myself a rich bf… I am so going to buy a car and upskill my driving… I am competitive… I cannot believe I cannot drive *laugh*….

I am blessed to have such friendships. We've been friends like forever…. I've known L since I was 14, I know E & H since I was 7, I know S since I was 9. Though I've only known J in my late teens, she is also a very dear friend. And I am thankful for them loving me as much as I love them all…. This night reminded me that if the friendship is true, time does not change anything :) We had as much fun as we had 20 something years ago, since the Rumours hi tea , Centrepoint, Parkway days.

Thank you God, for blessing me with such friendships.

Yellow Eyes

2009-07-10T14:42:00.003+08:00

My eyes are more yellow today despite it getting better the last couple of days.

but I am still at work and I am going to continue to live my life I know how:P

I was pooped out last night. Reached home around 8pm, had craving for chicken rice, so I bought a pack from compass point, and went home to have 2 spoonfuls of the rice and gave the rest to Dad, to satisfy my craving:P

then I bathed, watched TV, and even before the 9pm show ended, I was already sound asleep till this morning about 5.30am.

I did not even hear mummy coming into the room last night at about 10.30pm. I was that tired!!!!

The only taxing thing I remember doing yesterday was the horrible experience in Tangs, which I felt suffocated and faint:P

Today, I feel better, lets hope this stays this way...

I keep having sinus.... "runny nose " and Ah chooing..... sigh... I dun think its flu lah hor...

Ok

Bye... its FRIDAy. SMILE

I hope to get my IPHONE today cos of my indecisiveness.... I missed out on the preorder...SIGH SIGH SIGh

Feeling Better

2009-07-09T14:45:00.001+08:00

I think going to work and not thinking about what my body is going through helps.
The appetite is better now, though I still suffer tummy aches if I have to much "hard" food like meat, or carbo.
Vegetable and fruits are still the most comfortable to tummy, then again, its all cold food, and then I feel very uncomfortable, as I am the hot soup kind of person.
The tummy is still hard and huge, so yes I look like I am in my tri- mester hahahah…. Yet I still don't get seats in the MRT:(
Crowded places kills me , earlier during lunch, went with boss and secretary to Tangs as Boss needed to get some stuff, I felt suffocated, and started mild hyperventilating. Felt really tired and lethargic all of a sudden, and in my mind I just could not wait to get out of that place. Yes me shopping queen., 12% storewide discount and I could not wait to get out of that place…sigh….
Jaundice is still very mild, the only worrisome thing is that my urine is still very yellow.
The pain in the liver has subsided quite abit, so its easier to sleep in the night the past couple of days, tummy discomfort is still there, not sure is it because I am getting use to the discomfort, or it has really lessen quite abit, hence I was able to go to bed without rubbing the Ru yi oil on tummy.
Everyone says I look normal, other than the slightly yellow eye whites, if you are not observant you probably would not know.
Like Dr Ng said, as long I am still able to walk, eat , talk and do quite abit of things, I should be quite alright.
Eunice, I am so sorry, I keep forgetting to call you back:( I will and must remember, just that now every evening when I reach home, all I want to do is veg out infront of the Television and do nothing, the energy is seems to be just zapped away from me…..
Like Tuesday night, I met C & R for dinner, they were very nice and thank God they sent me home. I went home, had my shower, and it was straight to veging out in bed watching tv till I drift away to sleep. There was no energy left to do anything else.
But I am still thankful, very thankful.
I believe things will be alright soon.
If not , it does not matter, I will continue to live as much of my life as my body allows, when there is another change to adapt to again, I will just have to take sometime off, adjust and move on.
Now I hope Saturday I will be fine. I am going to really rest the whole day, so that I can meet up with the girls for Sel's farewell. Very excited cos I can dance again… its been a long long while …. Can't wait. I hope Hua will be able to make it too…. She was definitely one of my best dancing partners HAHAHAHA…..

Me@work day2

2009-07-06T15:39:00.003+08:00

Yes I made it to the office today.

Had Salad again, and treated myself to dessert. Tried to get my lunch partners to start on a salad diet with me *evil grin* However, I have to entice them with the fact that they can bring their own meat, though mine will only have Tofu or hardboil egg for my protein...sigh...how pathetic.

Tummy was quite painful after lunch, actually now at 3.45pm, its not feeling very good, but I am in the office and that did not allow me to run to my bed and just veg out and be so completely lazy.
Which is good, for I am forced to live my life today as though everything is perfectly normal. I am normal;)

Two things that really touched me this weekend.

Sunday's gospel. Where St Paul said.
"When I am weak , I am most strong"

It is so true, it is at my weakest moments which God was closest to me.

Second thing was I received an email from an Angel who reads my blog. He shared with me his story and I am glad to hear that things are looking better for him. He is a fellow cancer fighterwho received something precious from a complete stranger and now that things are better for him, he would like to pass it to me for my health :)

Life never stops surprising you does it not?

Amen!

His gloat? Or comedy for me?

2009-07-06T14:55:00.002+08:00

Not sure whether it was a session for him to Gloat? Or was it a hilarious comedy for me?
Let me elaborate.
I decided I will be civil, since I have made up my mind to forgive him. Hence, we had this conversation started in Yahoo, when I have finally managed to get my Yahoo Messenger going.
It was a simple Hi , which somehow , turned to a conversation , which he felt was appropriate to tell me 3 lines into our conversation that he has moved on.
It was a rather informative conversation, for in that short conversation, I am taught the difference between a gf/bf relationship, and when someone is termed as a "partner" and not a girlfriend.
He made it a point to make that difference. A "partner" reflects a relationship which means two adults of the opposite sex coming together, living together like husband and wife without signing on the marriage certificate. A "partner" accomodates one another and respects each other's opinions.
Looks and sounds like he is beginning to grow up? Well, I sure hope so. Cos if this woman , whom somehow my stalking had helped me to know, has probably just got out from her previous marriage to jump into this one. I sincerely hope that he is now a better man.
What made it all so hilarious was, because of my stalking, I have seen, and have a good understanding of what is and has been happening, which shocked me quite abit. However, when asked him certain questions, which answers I already knew, he did not disappoint my suspicion of him being a pathological liar. Sigh. It was a disappointment actually.
An eg, I knew he barely knew his "partner" via online since December last year. Don't ask me how I know, but I am very sure *grin* , yet when I asked him how long he has been with this partner, with no hesitation, his reply was "coming to 1 year"
But really does it matter to me? No. for it is his life now. Somehow, in a way, that conversation helped me let go of a lot of the pain with regards to our relationship.
What was hilarious was how eager he was to tell me, how good his life is now, like how she is the driver during the weekend, how his niece who used to adore me, and when I asked him whether she still remembers me, his reply was " oh she is now very very close to my current partner and my partner loves her a lot"
I am like ok….. Good for her.
Another hilarious portion of the conversation, was when he asked me whether I was planning to get attached, and when I told him, no because my first priority now is to get a place on my own, his reply was "oops, it almost slipped my mind" I was like huh? Oops what? And he with many smiley faces told me that he has already bought a 4 room hdb flat… I am like …hoooray…good for you… geez!
Seriously, I think if I never found out certain things of him, I think the conversation would have probably hurt me abit, making me wonder why my life does not seem to be moving forward, while he has everything that I've always wanted, a good partner, a home of my own, and a bloody car:P
But it is precisely because I knew those truths, that, I found the entire conversation completely hilarious.
Look I am fine with the fact guys move on faster than women. I did not go actively out to search for a partner, and even if I meet one, there will be many hesitations on my part.
Many of my friends asked me why did I even bother to continue the conversation with him, and allow him to gloat? Call me a sado masochist or something, but through the conversation, I feel little bits of whatever "feelings" I ever had for this man, died or were brutally killed of one by one *grin*
Like I told him, I am still in the midst of learning how to forgive him for the past. So I won't be a hypocrite to wish him ever happiness with this current partner of his. Whether he is happy or not, should not and does not matter to me anymore. For he is really no longer my problem.
He has moved on, and I am in the midst of my moving on. I want my Moving on be a really clean one, with no baggage following me around.
Thinking through, the 9 years had made me realised how much I can give and do for a person who I am committed to, with him, despite how he has treated me all these years, I was still able to give him 150% of me.
Hence I believe, If my health permits and if God permits and if I do find life with someone that is worth my time , I know I will he will get 200% of me *smile*

I hope his gloating made him feel better about himself. I had a good laugh, and a much clearer picture of who this man is now. Though I have to say, it is painful to find out this much of a person I was with for 9 years, only now.......... quite a failure ain't I?

Closer To God

2009-07-02T14:29:00.002+08:00

You know, with what has happened to me the past 2 weeks. The irony is, my faith in God is so ever stronger!
I do not denied there were nights, especially those nights when my back was killing me or the pain in the liver would not subside, I do ask him why.

Somehow, the pain always stop when I almost think I have reached my peak. God is really there with me, and when he says he will not give you more pain than you can bear, trust me. It happens.

I talk to him more in times like these, and hence I am closer, why don't I learn that I must be with God all the time and not only when I am in such a pathetic state?

He has proven me again and again that he sends me his Angels, one after another just to tell me how much I am loved and how much I should be stronger. Everyone that says that little prayer for me, Do you realise you were his Angels too???

The uncanny coincidences with the questions I asked during hours of discomfort, is to a point which can be quite discerning. Like how when I was just wondering whether God really has a bigger plan for me, I , who ignored my Ipod since the day I had chemo had to pick it up again to continue watching Supernatural, ok don;t laugh....guess what was the title of the next Episode? Are you Real God??

Yah!

Okok some people may think I am being delirious here, but trust me HAHAHa, I am definitely not one of those people who think that God has spoken to me and chose me to lead a tribe here or anything *laugh * (this is a very cruel inside joke told to me by someone about one idiot:P)

Anyway, all I want to say is, my faith today is definitely stronger. And again I will leave it to God to decide when he wants me to Go home. I will however continue to fight , and eat mostly Veg and fruits, keeping meat to the barest minimum. Alot of Tofu for my protein and nuts for any other good essentials. on top of that I will take my vits and etc etc etc. No Chinese medication for now, for I don't know how I should proceed further, will probably see how is my overall during the next treatment with the Doctor.

Remember, its times like these we must be closer to God and our faith in him must be stronger. Tell me this if I should ever waver again. For now. All is Good :D

Ahhhh i did not make it to work today:P

2009-07-02T14:24:00.002+08:00

But I will and must go tomorrow!
Not sure why but I could not sleep last night, and by the time I finally dozed off it was about 5am. Hence I woke up feeling very light headed. Woke up with a start at 7am, and rushed to get ready, however by the time i was standing by the road, carrying my lap top, lunch and my age befitting bag, I was feeling not Good:P
Theback was killing me and my floating feeling did not go away, Thank God mummy was downstairs walking the dog, and she was quite uncomfortable when she saw me looking rather pale:P

So I decided to work from home today. But I will force myself to sleep well tonight and will go into the office and start working tomorrow:P

Grr..Fleur, comeon before you got the results and before doctor told you you had jaundiced you already had them:P Yet you were able to still move the ass to the office and do some decent work. This is no excuse.

So yes, I will and must!

I will be ok :)

2009-06-30T23:12:00.002+08:00

Thanks all for all the prayers and encouraging words.

Maybe because of the flu and the bad back, I did not react very well to the drug.
Snow, you are right :) it is Ixempra He he... trust me to really remember things liike this:P aiyo hair will just drop and drop ah..... chum lah.. i never go through that before lei cos I always shave first hehehehe..... cos i hate to look patchy:P

I have been quarantined at home and , the boredom is killing me.

Food intake is still minimal, and guess what, Eight days had to include all those delicious looking food thingy that is available in Suntech *pout* its just plain cruel.

I am focusing on eating alot of fruits and vegetables now. No oily stuff, and things that are not too solid.

I must say, though I feel alittle weak today, my appetite is much better, I actually got hungry pangs. The only problem is I really have to eat like a mice :P Tsk! I think Lucky eats more than me now.... Trust me, I don't see any weight loss, so yes my cheeks are still puffy.......

Mummy darling has been massaging me tummy every night... yes I am definitely indulging HA!

Its just very uncomfortable, cos I get muscle spasms at different parts of the tummy, like there is this person doing this piano thingy using my tummy..... and the pain is short and sharp which makes me twitch. At the rate I am using the Ruyi oil.... I should be able to one of their shareholders soon HA HA.
Then again, I thankful for such inventions.

I target to go back to the office by Thursday, so by hook or crook I must be well enough, the most i dun eat soo much. I think I would be like this prisoner who has been released.... gosh....

Watching Desperate Housewife gave me some motivation on MOnday. Really! *roll eyes* it was the last thing I would expect, cos I am not a wisteria Lane fan you know. BUt there was this flash back that Lynette shared about her memory of Edith <--i think that's her name. Well, it showed Lynette going through her Chemo and how everyone took turns to bring her for her chemo, and how they prepare her lunch and fetch her, and Edith, just took her to a bar, bought her a tequila and insisted that she enjoys herself putting minimal attention when Lynette kept reminding her that she has cancer and she was due for chemo that day. Finally Edith told Lynette that, the Lynette she knows is very strong, and whether there is cancer or not, Lynette should not lose herself!

Well, it kinda spoke to me, I am Fleur, this is me. Yes I need time to adjust to the changes, the new pains, the new inconvenience, but this should not change me. The past week, I succumb to self pity, lying bed and just concentrating on getting through the pain, I kept thinking what if I were to die in the next couple of months? Geez that ain't going to help me.

I will continue to fight my dear friends, and be me.

My first feat is to get my fat ass out of bed tomorrow morning and go down for a morning walk.

So yes..... tummy pain or not... life goes on.....

No communication...

2009-06-28T03:28:00.002+08:00

Dear Friends,
For now, I just need some time to be by myself and cope with what is happening to my body that I am not familiar with.
I know you are anxious and you would want me to update you directly etc etc. Sometimes its just hard.
Its also very tiring, to repeat myself over and over again.

I thank you for all your concerns, but if I don't reply your sms immediately or call you back, or pick up your calls, I hope you understand.

Friends, who needs advise etc, I am sorry, I don't think I am the best person to be your pillar of strength for now.
Please be strong, remember I am fighting hard to live and whatever may come I hope you keep that spirit too :)

I will update again soon.

Cheers
Fleur

Its been a difficult week

2009-06-28T03:06:00.002+08:00

Guess as mentioned in my last post, it all started with me staying home with that dreaded sinus infection that got me coughing big time. Just when i thought everything was going to be well and dandy, and even went out to do a little survey.... i came home in one piece, but somehow towards the evening, till this day I still cannot remember, I somehow twisted my back really bad. Its this excrutiating pain beneath my right shoulder blade, the kind where even when you take a deep breath, brings sharp pain through the nerves which would just want to make you scream in pain.

Nevertheless, nursing that pain, I went for my doc's appointment on Thursday. Was kinda anticipating what was the result of my scan which I did on MOnday.... I guess I was prepared to hear not very good news, yet, I guess with the pain in my back, I was not in the best condition.

My Marker is stable, but liver function has spiked up higher, which means my liver function is not working well at all.

The scan shows new spots in the lungs, and I don't know where, cos my mind was already in a whirl when Doc also mentioned that I had abdominal fluid accumulating in my tummy, which was a worrying sign that Liver is not working well.....

I guess I was most affected by that news, because somehow I remembered Molly, and I remembered someone telling me that, once the tummy starts collecting water, it means the end is nearing?

I don't know. But for awhile I panicked.

I looked at Dr Ng in the eye and asked him to be totally honest with me. Poor guy, he was at a loss, I guess he did not know me well enough, and was not ready to handle any counselling.
He was sooo apologetic and kept reassuring me that its not as bad as I think it is, at least I am still able to walk around on my own, only if I was weak and in wheel chair would he press the panic button.

Well, this explains the 2kg of extra weight I have gained despite eating very little. Yes my tummy is hard, hahahha i look like a mother who is about to give birth anytime :D

Anyway, Dr Ng decided that Avastin, and Xeloda no longer works on me, and hence, decided to put me on a new chemo drug.. Ixpaline or soemthing. Well actually with my liver condition now, this is the only drug he thinks that will be the safest.

The sad part about it is that, I will have to lose my hair all over again :)

Oh welll.... what's new right

Anyway, coming out of the clinic, Jie called, and I updated her on my results. I guess I just could not help but break down, cos the tummy fluid thingy was really scary....

Well, they say, as long as I get my liver to regenerate itself again, and get my liver working again, I should be able to survive .....

Friday, had my chemo... oh boy...the backache was killing me big time. The session took about 3.5 hours. Poor jie, it was her birthday, but she spent it with me the entire session. I chickened out this time. With the back killing me, and all that fear, I needed to be selfish that day. I had mum and Jie with me, and it did make me feel hell alot better.

First I was late for my session, and then thinking that they will take a longer time to call me, cos my number seems still quite far away, decided to go downstairs for some hot tea. Somehow I did not hear my phone ringing, it seems that the clinic tried calling me shortly after i left for my turn....
The nurse was fuming mad when I went upstairs, and somehow, because of the pain in my back, I was very vulnerable, I asked the nurse not to be upset with me, and I knew she was cos she could not reply..... and I guess somehow I just started tearing, I did not sob, infact I tried to keep the tears away, anyway I don't know is it because she saw it, she was very very nice after.

The had to give me some medication to protect my tummy and to prevent me from vomiting, I tell you, I hate that drugged feeeling. Nurse did warn me that I will feel drowsy but nothing prepared me for the heaviness, in my mouth my entire body , and my eye lids... the worse thing is my mind was wide awake, and it did not help that the aunty opposite me was watching some chinese variety show at full blast...... Ipod came to the rescue.

Half way through, breathing got alittle difficult, and each time I tried to take a deep breath, the sharp pain from my back stabs through, OH GOD, I tell you... I was in agony. Try sitting in that chair with little room to move about and a very very bad back...... for 3.5 hours.. it was pure torture.

The drug seems to be very acidic ,cos nearly the end of the session, I started getting very nauseus and was puking gastric juice like nobody's business. Thank God for the invention of the Gag Bag.... HA!

We stole a couple home :P

All ended pretty alright I guess, got ourselves a cab, and it was home sweet home.

Mum gave me a whole back massage that night, with the hot packs placed stragically, and prayed over my back with the oil from Jerusalem. The pain in the back has subsided greatly, in time for my body to cope with the muscle aches from the new drug. Yes, its like taxal, You have the fingers aches, the mouth aches, and every part of you feel bruised.

LIke what they say, God never gives you more than what you cannot bear :)

I will continue to fight and hopefully get my liver regenerated....

I miss eating, eating is now a luxury. I take pigeon bites, and i suffer a half hour of tummy pain.....oh well, positive side of it... i lose some weight HA!

Cheers

Jaundiced me...

2009-06-22T20:19:00.002+08:00

ok so the results were not fantastic on Thursday.... explains why all the running to toilet...cos liver activity had a high spiked upwards, and my bile ain't working too good...soyes cannot digest fatty and oily food..which then translates to running to the toilet...

The urine has been extremely yellow too...

and yes..eyes is mildly yellow...so I have jaundice..

Not a very good news...cos means liver.... is not functioning well...and we don't know whether the monsters in the liver has grown stronger or.... its just me....

Hence no chemo on thursday...cos Avastin is too expensive to waste on...

and and..... to allow my liver to clean up and see what are the results on this coming thursday....

At first i was alittle worried.. its like ok..what does this mean??? Dr R Ng was more worried than I was worried and kept assurring me that this is not the worse scenario yet and just relax....

Well I have to say i was lost for words for awhile...and then .... after wondering abit in the hospital and going for my zometa jab.. i just thought oh..what the hack... like as though this was not ever coming.....

I am just going to continue to live my life until i really can't anymore....

So at first i msged C to cancel the dinner on friday...and then i texted her back and said what the hack.. I am going... just eat less fatty food lor.... so ...

Yes Friday I went for steam boat at M hotel..YUMS

As for saturday and sunday...sigh.... flu and cough took over...jie was worried I had H1n1...heheh but i just refused to have any other medication in me... so i did the rest at home quarantined to my room and take alot of vit C method.....

But today I finally relented...cos cought ain't helping me to sleep very well at night....

Doc was damn nice...told me I needed 3 days MC..with all the h1n1 going around..ain't going to be good for me to run around and I need to do something and let my liver rest...so rest I shall......

I am fine everyone...too bad I cannot do what the babies do and go suntan the jaundice away..but lots of water I will consume...and I will be well and dandy again...Again it all depends on the big boss up there :)

Love Fleur..

Give me your opinion... online shop name

2009-06-17T14:18:00.002+08:00

Ok...
These are the few that I came up with..... as usuall very narcississtic.. if not it won't be me right...

Tell me what you think.... and which is the best and which can be remembered easily?

fleurshope.com
Fleurluvs.com
Florashope
Justfleur
FleurAlways
shopwithfleur

If you have any other better ideas... please please let me know toooo!! HA HA...

Bags for sale ? Testing

2009-06-16T15:16:00.008+08:00

Hi Hi,

This is just to try out see whether there are any interest in this....

Was thinking about my online store, the other day again, planning how i can make it something which is of my interest and also meaningful to me.

Still cannot decide what is the name to use anyway..... am quite hesitant cos so far, the shoes I put up on sale in Facebook and in ebay..no takers HAHAHHA...

Ok so.... A girlfriend came to me , she is one woman has more bags than she needs, and trust me I nag her all the time, then an idea came to mind, when she talked about charity.

I have tried ebay and I think its very very troublesome for sellers....

So I thought, maybe my online shop should have this section where, I help to post up pictures for things people would like to sell but too lazy to go through the hassle of putting it in Ebay..... and one condition of using my online store, a minimal admin charge on my part, and a certain % to be given to any charity organisation of any sale made.. ain't that cool? Its like, selling your old stuff, getting some money back...and yet doing charity all at the same time!!!!!

Chanel Classic (mint condition)

Chanel CC handbag (Brand New)

Chloe edith satchel (Brand New)

Chloe Paddington Retail ( Mint Condition)

Gucci Hobo Black leather( Mint Condition)

Gucci Snakeskin (Brand New)

Gucci Tote (Mint Condition)

Gucci Bag (Red Velvet) (Mint Condition)

Louis Vutton (Red)Travel (Brand New)

Prada mink Tote ( Brand New)

Prada Sports ( Mint condition)

Prada Travel Duffel ( Mint Condition)

These are some of the bags that she is willing to put up on sale, they are all authentic, with all the works, bought from local boutiques ......... any one interested.. well you can drop me an email.... there is of course a minimum price... some of these are even brand new...if not they are definitely MINT condition.... how I know..cos her walk in wardrobe is like a boutique by itself with her aircon blasting away 24/7 :P

She will put some of her sale into donation to Noah's ark cos she is a doggie lover........

So ....

This is just to test, what people think of my idea :)

but if u really are interested.. it is really for sale :D

Oh email me at fleurg07@gmail.com :)

My dreams & Me

2009-06-16T11:29:00.002+08:00

I realised, my mind works in funny ways. Most times, I guess my subconscious mind in its attempt to help me achieve in getting out of a mental emotional situation which I am determined to get out of, it comes up with this really funny dreams that speaks to me and probably helps motivate me to move on faster? *laugh*

Also, I always have problem remembering my dreams, even good dreams that makes me smile, and I actually wake up grinning and not really remembering why, or having dreams which in my dreams I say I must make a point to remember so that I can share the details with my friends, and yet the moment I wake up its all gone away from my memory. However, there were dreams that are soo significant, that maybe its my subsconscious mind really talking to me or I would like to also believe that it’s a message for me or God's way of letting me know, helping me to get out of that darkness and hence prompting me to look at light, the brighter side of life.

You know some years back. Actually 2004 - 2005 my life was at its worse ever!

My job was at its least stable, every account I touched , there was bound to be an escalation, marriage was on its tatters, despite our wedding in end 2004, and everything bad , as long its not favourable, I did not need to know, it was bound to happen to me.
At the end of 2005, fighting hard to keep my job, finding out how badly backstabbed I was by my "best friend" at work, handling exhub decision to quit job because he could not get along with boss and the devastating news about his humongous gambling debts, brought me to apoint of the lowest ever, and I just could not take it anymore, I refused to believe that my life is just one jinx thing after another, and I just told God, that enough is enough……

Then I had a dream.

I dreamt I was driving in this tiny lane in some European country and I was just going round and round and round, and suddenly I stopped infront of this really awesome towering front of a church, which two huge doors and all its intricate glass painting and carvings just towering over me. I just looked at it in awe, I got out of the car, to have a better look, which brought my eyes to the skies above. It was actually filled with dark gloomy clouds, cold chilly wind was blowing, and then I just stood there and took in the entire sight infront of me, still in awe…. Suddenly, like in a video which has been fast forwarded, the dark gloomy skies started to part in the middle, and the sky was light in blue, full of sunshine and light white cottony clouds. The mood was lifted, and I suddenly felt as light as the clouds themselves…..

At that point in my dream, I knew my gloomy days are going to be over soon, and life will just pick itself up again. It did, not immediately, but it changed my whole mindset and attitude about everything, especially at work, I was less tensed and I realised, I stopped reacting to things that need no reaction, and I did not make any unnecessary response to things that needed not any response in the first place….. Took a couple of months, but ironically, I kept remembering that dream, and I was able to just start living my life again.

I got into the current team, and work life has been very kind to me eversince.

While I was with Ex-hubby, there were many many times, I woke up sobbing , the dreams I had were not dreams of him fighting with me etc, but they were dreams of him being with another woman, and how he became very heartless, while I sobbed my heart pleading with him, hurting from the betrayal, and yet at the end of each dream, I always dreamt he came back to me, which in real life I would have scooted far far away without hesitation. Anyway, after such dreams I always woke him up then, and he would say I was being silly.

That was in the past, till today, I do not understand why I always had those dreams and what it signified? Maybe that's what I feel the most insecure most in life, hence whenever I go into a relationship, its either I put in everything I could to what I think a best girlfriend or wife should be, or I would go into a relationship being the other extreme, just selfishly taking without putting much commitment to it.

However, the other night, again I had a dream about ex-hubs. Sel says its my subconscious mind, because I have been thinking about the seeing him with his current gf incident.

The irony is, the dream in a way, brought me some relief. This time, it was no longer a dream of the fear of losing him. But the dream was just what it is now, and what I have to learn to accept. The marriage is over and he is with another person now building a new life. The dream was quite malicious on my part though, it was a scenario that I met them again in another unplanned situation, and somehow, this time, the current girlfriend got really upset and she was the tigress in their relationship and she sure had a good way of taming him. I think it was in a restaurant, and out of her anger she just got up and ran to this huge plant and pluck out one of the huge ass leaf and started whacking exhubs using the leaf like a cane, and ex-hub, was actually timid and tamed from all the hoola boola, I was actually enjoying the scenario, and yes I was very malicious in the dream, however right at the end, in my dream, the funny thing was, I had a self revalation then, asking myself why am I even getting myself involve in this anymore? This is a past. What I have done for him, was just who I am in a relationship I am committed to? Why did I have to stand there and participate in his pathetic life with this woman he has chosen his future with, when I should focus on mine?

Very drama, it was like me standing outside that woman's house because she called me and told me to come over, seeing her crying her eyes, asking me to tell her more, when she opened the door, and though in the beginning I was about to start enjoy telling her my grievances, that I had that self revelation, I just looked at her and realised, what is the point? Where is this all leading too? Why am I even wasting my time?

I smiled, and told her, if you can't let him go, give him a chance…. Maybe he is not what/ who he is with you then when he was with me. Ours is a past. Then just as I was about to turn away, I saw her turning back into her house with Ex-hubs inside and them holding each other….

I actually walked away smiling. There was a relief, there were no sobbings, no heartache.

I am not saying I am completely healed , or I no longer feel tha pain when I think back about the past. Nor do I want to lie and say that I don't think about him anymore.
And when you talk to me now, please do not expect me to say everything nice, I still gripe about how unfair life is, and how he has everything and I have nothing. How he is able to move on when I seem so lost still in what I want to do in life and how I really want ot live my life :)

But , I know , whenever I think back about this dream, I will remember that I am heading the right direction.

Afterall like many that has given me precious advise. It’s a 9 year relationship, you cannot say its been very long, nor can you really say its been very short. A lot of emotions were put into it, a lot of time and effort, sweat and Money has been invested in it. I am a woman afterall who is more sensitive emotionally then many others *laugh* and hence, it just makes sense for me to cry internally for awhile more.

The good side is, I am picking myself up, doing little things for myself. I am proud to say, I look forward to my gym sessions, however short they are, they are making me feel good about me.

Bear with me, if I grip alittle more :)

The good news is, like I told Cin yesterday, I am getting alittle sick hearing myself talk about it now, and I think when I get soo sick that I don't even want to mention it anymore. I will then have arrived at the good destination I now going to stroll towards.

God, with you grace, I pray each day for the strength to forgive. With my faith, that you will let me heal, and give me strength to live my life how you want me to live.

Till then… thank you all for journeying with me :)

2 Hours of Yoga

2009-06-12T10:26:00.004+08:00

Well yes, I stayed for 2 lessons of Yoga last evening.

It was very easy light yoga yesterday actually, not many very difficult poses, if you look at it, of course, your's truly here had many difficulties.

There was the warrior pose which i could not handle very well, then the sit and hold your toes , which after more stretching I could actually finally touch my toes!!!!!! despite the huge ass tummy pressing down my thighs HA HA HA... see its really time to lose some weight...

Then there was this... 90degrees leg lift , which I die die also try to keep up, cos I know from my experience in JC, this was one of the exercise during our PE lessons ran by this demonic woman that helped me achieve a 23inch waist line HA HA HA... yes.... yes... Once upon a time, Me have 23inch waist line... NONO you did not read wrongly!!!!

How I know and I was sure? cos I bought size 24 inch school skirt, and the skirt could still go round and round my waist..... there.. seee... but to be honest.... if i ever see that skirt again.. I wonder which kid's clothes were they HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

Don't think it can go up half my one thigh now :P

Anyway.... back to YOga.. the teacher as usual is extremely encouraging, and she does not shame you if you made a fool of yourself.

What made me feel alittle better was, the CEO of NLB was there too..and he wasn't doing much better than me too... so Yes.. me and CEO was on the same level last night..that is an achievement...

yah yah.. all the excuses I can make for myself.... sometimes amazes me too... HA HA HA

So really I am beginning to enjoy Yoga.

Sue just emailed everyone, to ask whether they would like to continue with the next round, and for me, she said she's already booked me up HA HA HA...

Oh i must tell you.... NLB has the most most gorgeous VIEW in this place of the planet... DAMn I would work late every night just to enjoy the peace, the view ... sigh... ok ok....

Go try Yoga out.. its relaxing.. but its not easy pansy ok.... muscles actually do get stretched..and yes.. you do get tired HA HA HA....

ITs FRIDAY....PUT THIS HUGE SMILE...through the day..and you will be just fine!!

Flora - Gucci....

2009-06-11T15:27:00.003+08:00

Heheh... A perfume with my name :)

House Hunting....

2009-06-10T16:35:00.002+08:00

Have been more active in my house hunting.

Am definitely looking forward to buying a place on my own.

There are some reservations though, i know I know, i have them too :)

But nothing is more precious then my own private space.

Its going to take alot of money, am looking at privates because of investment value.
HDB is a more logical choice no doubt, then again, I am not keen on 2nd hands and I guess after finding out some rulings with regards to single and how and what will happen when the person moves on from this life, it did not seem a very wise investment venture in the end.

Hahaha...ok, I will admit, there is some what a spoilt me making some excuses here too.... I just don't like staying in some of the environment with 3 rooms flat so far.....
So there.. its out... I am very spoilt HA HA...

L is helping me out, thanks dear, I just really hope i will be able to get the best price possible.

Also registered with a couple of websites and an agent just called me with regards to this new launch called Woodleigh.

Price is attractive enough, BUT , the TOP is only possible in 2012.... that's like a long long way to go... I might as well just stay at home hahahah...

Life is looking up and I know its because I am finally doing something about it, rather than letting my day pass by me day by day and me procrastinating cos I am just afraid to get out of my comfort zone that I have settled in comfortably the last 1.5 years....

Going Gym helps.

learning how to wear fake lashes definitely helps HAHAHHAAHHAHA

SO anyone out there, if there is a good small unit you know off.. esp subsales.... for units that are going to TOP soon or already TOPed... let me know.... *wink*

East, North East...and even district 8 HA HA....

This morning

2009-06-10T15:27:00.000+08:00

This morning,

Got up ready to go to work, did the usual, drank my water, and hand half of a Dumpling (Chang) before I take my chinese medication..... after that the cramp came.

There was no way I could move, hence I just laid there curled up into a ball, and let the cramp pass.... the tummy was bloated!

I think my digestive system is not working very well, and hence, that feeling of perpetual indigestion. Took the morning half off, rubbed the Ruyi oil...and just slept like a log on the sofa till the food was digested and the pain and uncomfortable feeling slide away...

Now its afternoon, I am back in the office, and all is well... I had a Veg Burger from Moss Burger....
and TUmmy is good.... wierd huh...

Oh well, morning is all forgotten...

and I am goign to the gym tonight :D

Have a great day....

Gym Log

2009-06-09T11:20:00.005+08:00

Tuesday 16 June 2009
40 Minutes on Walker
5 minutes on rower

Friday 12 June 2009
40 Minutes on Bike
5 minutes on rower

Wednesday 10 June 2009
35 minutes on the walker 2.90km
5 minutes on rower
5 minutes leg exercise

Monday - 8 June 2009
35 minutes on the walker - 2.5km...
10 minutes on rower.....

Friday 5 June 2009
35 minutes on bike
10 minutes on rower

Crappy Tummy

2009-06-09T11:04:00.001+08:00

Not sure whether this is a good thing or not.

However, the past month, tummy has been rather crappy.

Not sure how to explain it, but definitely no more full meals for me. Though there is this part of me that still make myself eat for fear of the lack of nutritions HAHAHAHAHHA
Esp 2 weeks ago, for dinners, I realised that I can't finish a full meal, it started with me just feeling sooo full, that without much effort when I go to the washroom, everything comes out in a matter of seconds. Then I feel the instant relieve, and because I feel guilty for the auto purging, I come out and try to get some food in again:P

I don't want to be a auto bullimic you know, though I may gripe about my weight, but there is no way I will force myself to purge.

As the days passed, the situation got alittle bit more uncomfortable. Now with little food I stuff myself.. Lets say half a bowl of noodles. I feel like my tummy would explode. The amount of air in the tummy, makes me look like some woman who is going through her 7th month tri-mester:P

Half the time I feel like going to the toilet doing the big time….and trust me, it never runs out :P (ok this detail is abit gross…. Sorry!!!!)

And the air that comes out from both exit, is constant.

Then Sunday, tummy was exceptionally crappy. I had a bun in the morning before I went to church. At the church fun fare, whilst helping to sell fruits and fruit juice, I gobbled down a sausage bun (only ate half the bun) , 3 pieces of guava, and 1 vadai, I felt like my tummy would burst!!!! I could not sit properly, and really it was awful the feeling. Whilst everyone else went for lunch after, I could just only sit and watch. Jie got me a cup of lemon juice, only then did the tummy settle alittle.

The past 2 nights, having dinner, eg, half a bowl of mee suah….got me feeling soooo extended, and really, the feeling is like you just wish to take something sharp and poke your tummy so that it can let whatever that is inside out :P

I was afraid whether it was the accumulation of liquid…but I don't think so, I just think I have a lot of air, and my instestinal tract is not very good at digesting food anymore :P
With solid food, the intestines feels like they cramp up together, and does not allow the food to flow down the track or is there too much fats on me now that the intestines have been bunched up together :P hmmmm….

I could also feel the part where my liver is to be alittle swollen in the night….
Hmmmm… must write to Dr Wong, and see what she says about these symptoms… I really pray its just one of the silly things and not that the monsters have decided to migrate again… really I am now rooting for healing hahahahah…cos I want sooo much to Live and live well !!!!
Other than all that, I am fine.

I still go gym, and I am still at work…. Blacked feets and fingers… I can live with it…just cannot show off wearing nice open shoes no more…but hey….. More reasons to buy new shoes HAHAHAH…which I did over the weekend!!!! 3 pairs…. 2 repeats cos they are phasing out this design..yes my blink blink flats.. Got another silver and another black….and I got this wedge…which is soo pretty…… I need heels again…. So yah.. To motivate me to go gym….
I am glad that I am beginning to do things which the Sloth in me has encouragingly helped me procrastinate the past couple of months…..so exercise I have embarked…slow but steadily…… this is more for me to feel and be healthy. So wish me luck !!!!!

Cancer patients, Stay or die alone?

2009-06-07T00:30:00.003+08:00

Dear All,
I would like to hear everyone's views on this really. I think it is very interesting.

Anyone who has been following my blogs and all the comments that I have, a fellow reader has asked me this question. And Fellow fighters who are in a marriage

Do you think its fair that you let your husband to continue to be by your side , taking care of you? Going through the sufferings of losing you?
Should you not walk away and set them free, the pain of having to look after you?

Should we be bigger people to set our husbands go because we love them and because we don't want them to suffer?

Let me know your views on this?

I would also like to hear views from partners who are caring for your spouses, do you think your spouse should let you go? Why do you stay? Why do you want to suffer this period with her?

Irony- my discovery of the day....

2009-06-05T16:10:00.002+08:00

For a person like me who have always had low self esteemed.....

It was the 9 years relationship of having him killed me to think I am nothing....

That actually sank me to the lowest.....

Left me no choice but to swim back up and learn that , I should value myself more

Cos really.... I am actually quite Awesome *laugh*

Yoga !!! Exercise & ME

2009-06-05T09:37:00.004+08:00

Well I skipped lesson 2 last week cos of Chemo.... so I went yesterday...MANNN it was NOT EASY!!!

I actually sweat and my muscles are aching now... but it was satisfying.

There were much laughter in the class last night, with many of us having problem doing some of the poses that she was encouraging us to do, but what i like about this class is there is no pressure. You try , your best , but if you feel past the comfort zone.... relax..and try again..... there is no pressure to do that perfect pose ....non whatsoever, and the people were all very friendly and nice... other than One indian lady...whom C said, made a comment to everyone not to laugh or something like that, when some of us giggled at some poses we were attempting to do :P

I am the liking Yoga :)

I believe I will continue .....already ask Sue to sign me up for July classes :D

ok.... Forgot to upate.

I finally went Gym on Wednesday night, watched 1.5 episodes of THE BIG BANG THEORY while i cycled on the bike which equated to about 17km (Now i understand how Nessa clock her 20km within 40 minutes) and about 15 minutes on the row boat thingy....

I am not doing alot alot of gym... but I am glad I am slowly catching up... hope I will get addicted to the E that Ness is talking about....... I need to get HIGH.... healthily HA HA HA

Alright.... Out....

Today did not start well, cos of Dad.... and I was angry myself for a while for losing patience again....... then again... I make the conscious choice now .. to let it past and not let the unhappy episode to spoil the rest of the day. Doing the Yoga breathing does help to calm one down... try it really

Breathe in through your nostrils.
When you breathe in your abdomen should be expanding, and when you exhale, you should feel your abdomen flattening, and try to squeez out as much air out of you as your exhale.... do this for 10 twenty times, feel the oxygen going into your body molecules..... and then push out as much Co2 as possible....... its very very relaxing......

Ok... happy Friday!!!

My thoughts ...

2009-06-04T10:21:00.004+08:00

I thought hard last night.

Realised that, many people think that I am not willing to forgive him.
I am.... that's what is frustrating me. For I sincerely was working towards that the past 1.5 years and hence , my reaction when I saw him was not something I can accept of myself. Till today I am still not able to make sense out of it.

Then I realised, I probably did not truly let him go, though I walked out of the house and went ahead with the divorce.

This is a man I loved for a long time, someone who I put in alot of effort, someone who made me do many things I never thought I was capable of doing for anyone. Maybe he taught me how to love a person whom I thought I was never capable of doing.

This period, in a way, its alot of self discovery , about me.

Me whom I thought never truly loved a person, never being able to truly love someone, someone for the longest time was a committment phobiac, for him. I became someone else.

I met him whilst I was at mypeak, most confident year, not sure how and what happened, but I realised I started to lose myself over these years. Everything just continued to go downhill.

Like many have said, there is no reason for me to be really angry, for afterall it was my choice to be with him, to stay with him, to marry him.

No I am self reproaching myself, but I want to approach this logically so that my heart can hear and see it too... not just in my head.

Anyway, when i think about it. What happened that Sunday, and what he did about changing his number, there is more good out of it then bad.
Made me want to live my life better. Want me to search for that Fleur once again. One that does not flinch when she looks into the mirror

That Fleur, who believes she can take on the world.

Yes, when I graduated and was coming back to Singapore, I had soo much ambitions , so much hope, so much power *laugh*
Canada was good to me, i must say. Alot of ego boosters, and somehow, I felt i was good in everything HA HA HA..... no wonder sometimes Cin cannot stand me *laugh* I had mood swings, but my depression then were just uncalled for depressions...

I will take down that hate blog that i wrote about him changing his number. Not because I don't want to share it with the world.
But this is not who I am.
This angry hateful person , is the person that I became , because of the choice I made 9 years ago. This was the person I was beginning to dislike , which was the reason why I had to leave the situation I created and allowed myself to stay for way too long.

To truly be able to forgive him, will take a while. I know. To truly find Fleur again, will take a longer time. But I am not going to force it and use the Chanting Mantra to heal. I sincerely look forward to the day I can truly let it all go.

Hate is not something I can handle, for I think it is way tooo exhausting. Su said something that was soo true, maybe Hate is an excuse for us to hang on to that bit of life. Maybe deep down inside I still love him in my own ways. I do miss him in my own ways, I missed being married I missed having someone by my side. Hence, the only way is to remember and to still feel emotionally for that person.

Another person also did mention that all these will be made easier, if I have found another person. Someone else I could focus my love my attention to :) Which brings to mind, how and why in the past, I was never single for long *laugh*, and hence the reasons why I was able to never really Mope over a failed relationship for long.

This time its different. This is the first time in my entire life that I am single for more than 1 year... Gosh... and hence, I don't really know how to grief over this breakup. I never really had to grief. There is no person for my to jump to divert my focus, to validate that I am still very loveable , its now just me. Hence, forcing me to just love me, me to validate myself that I am loveable despite what others may think.

I will forgive him ... I want to forgive him.

For myself.

I will and must love myself.... so that I can take the world again.

Like I said before and I am reminding myself here again.

Life is way too short for us to dwell on things that no longer matters.

Ironically, alll this ...has strengthened my conviction to LIVE.

My Prayer to God last night was. God, if you will, let me heal. Let me Live, and I am going to work very hard for my 2nd chance to live well :)

AMEN

Wednesday Morning :)

2009-06-03T11:10:00.003+08:00

Well, I realised I have been such a DOH DOH ( my version of dumb dumb) *laugh*

I woke up exactly at 4.44am sweating like a pig :P This despite my ceiling fan and so called aircon turned on :P

Very very upset... wondering whether Aircon had decided to kaput on me, or maybe no more the cold gas.... cos that has been the case the past few hot days.....which was why i also have the fan on:P

I could not sleep anymore, so took out this book I just bought, which was Damn boring....... lucky i only paid 5 bucks for it....

So there I was sweating like a pig..... reading a very boring book, at 4.44am

FInally I got up, took the remote control, fiddled around with it, did not see anything wrong.... until maybe an hour later, I looked at it again and realised, it was in fan mode:P despite the 19 degrees... it was in full blast FAN MODE...ALAMAK.......

So me swtiched it around till the little snow flake made its appearance, and viola, the room started to cool, and I was ready to sleep again, only thing was that by the time I was ready to sleep it was already 6am :P

BLAHHHHHHHHH...

Mummy admitted that she fiddled around with the remote...must have accidentally switched it to fan mode LAH....

So DOH DOH me..have been suffering HOT sweaty nights...thinking I have to call aircon man..... cos aircon kaputing on me..... losing all my precious sleep...all becos I could not differentiate between fan and aircon mode :PP GAH...

Well, enough of that cheong hei boh liao episode above HA HA...

Lets talk about my angry post last night.

I was pissed off, thank God for Christy and Eunice, who both spoke to me for an hour each *laugh* to help calm me down...

Christy made very insightful feedback.

Why I am goign through what I am going through now , its because though I am Happy to have left the marriage. I have yet to let the 9 years of emotions go.

I left a situation / environment that was not healthy for me, but I brought along the 9 years worth of baggage....and hence how easy it was for him to just trigger and bring them all back to the surface.

SO cleber christy :D

Well, so you see, if I were to learn to let go of those 9 years.... and learn to write it off as bad debts.... then it does not matter anymore that I am now a non entity to him. Nor then will I expect some form of appreciation from him who is clearly not capable of understanding that concept.

So now I will learn and must learn how to let that 9 years go. To see it as going through 9 years of school, learning about loving and living with another person.

I definitely found out alot about myself from this 9 years of relationship.
First, I never knew I am able to give so much to another person (please remember I grew up rather spoilt)
Second, I never knew I can have this much tolerance for anyone
Thirdly, I am very resilent HA HA never thought that despite all that I dreaded to happen in any relationship , happened in these 9 years and i managed to survive through it despite fighting cancer.
The school fees were very very expensive *laugh* (both in monetary and emotional terms)
But I now learnt, that we don't need to have masters or phd in this subject *grin* . For me, I probably graudated with a Masters HA HA HA

I must remember all this :)

Another thing I realised, I was more upset with the fact that he did what I knew he would do to spite me, but my problem is that , I always want to give him a benefit of a doubt. Hence, seriously, this incident made me realised that now that he is no longer my responsibility aka husband, why the hell do I still want to give him the benefit of a doubt in the first place?

I should just expect him to be him, the him that is capable of all things hurtful and spiteful, and ONLY be happy for him if he one day shocks everyone by actually being gracious or something that is not expected out of him :P

He is no longer my problem and hence I really do not need to worry whether he becomes a better person or not anymore... that's his life...his choice, his own to to live......

Anyway, like what Eunice said.
Because I did love this man, hence the wound is there, it will always be.
It will never totally heal over time in cases like this, hence, I may feel a leap in my heart when I next see him, or think I see someone that looks like him....... it will ultimately depend on how I want to handle it.

Like what many have told me. Do not fear seeing him anymore.
He can say all he wants....he can do what he wants, the day I walked out, and signed on those papers, the purpose was to make sure he no longer has a part in my life, nor has any ability to hurt me or stress me further. He is no longer my burden to bear, and hence he should remain that way. I must not lose sight of that.

There is a reason why he will not make it to my future.

I am feeling so much better this morning.

I am not totally healed yet, but I made a resolution, I will slowly erase him from my life :)

For he should be the non -entity and not me :D

Still Hurting or burying?

2009-06-02T13:52:00.003+08:00

Well, I don't know. It does not hurt so much anymore, though I still think about him, about our marriage about our fights from time to time.

I still do the guilty thing of wondering why?

Whether he actually ever did love me, or like some who told me that, I was a very convenient wife.

I don't know.

I try very hard to think of the few good things about the relationship......

He is funny, he has his quirky moments which never fails to make me laugh

He is generous with me when he had money, of course he is more generous to himself *laugh* during those times too!

I still have all the tiffany stuff he got for me over the years... 7 silver necklaces , 1 pair of silver earrings and 1 platinum diamond cross .

He did make some changes for me over the years, like how I kicked him out of the master bedroom toilet to the main toilet, how, he learnt how to carry all the shopping bags when he never had to before he met me. How he learnt that fetching his parents around is the "norm"

How he will fetch me to and from airport for all my trips regardless, (well that is after one major fight we had when we first started and he left me stranded in orchard road when I was supposed to leave for Sydney on a business trip that very afternoon) while most time , I leave him to take his own cab

How he learnt from leaving me stranded in the middle of nowhere, whenever we have a huge public fight, and i have to find my way home on my own regardless the time of the day or night, in the beginning of the relationship, to someone who no matter how bad the fight or how angry he will be, will make a point to no longer leave me stranded but make sure he brings me home though still fuming.

How he would at least be patient enough to let me indulge in my shopping during all our holidays, until of course at night when he is alll too tired out and refuses to leave the hotel room :P

How like me he loves to do grocery shopping HA HA HA.....

I have to remind myself of some of these good points because, I really don't want to hate him I think hating a person is very very tiring. Maybe to rant and bitch about them from time to time is good for the soul....but after sometime... it can get quite stale. I have to be fair to him. If i were to say he never changed, this is not true, for in his own ways he did.

Though many friends did remind me that those things that he so called changed *laugh* are the very basics of the basics of a boyfriend and a husband...... so why should I even be touched that he is doing just the barest minimum?

I wonder :)

I pray for that day, that I can meet him, and sincerely say Hi.

Not because I forget why the marriage did not work, but because I have learnt to really forgive him and move on.

I can't wait for the day.

Now, despite all the hooola booola i went through .... I am glad I saw him that day.

It made me see... for how i really feel.

I am not going to try very very very very hard to learn to forgive him, or to forget about him or the marriage. I will accept the pain and let time heal it naturally. I am not going to pretend that I am not sad, nor I am not hurt. If I am I am...

The 9 years was after very precious to me. I had the home I dreamt off, and I did enjoy wearing and showing off my wedding band. I actually enjoyed being married, the idea of belonging to someone?

I guess, the biggest hurt in me now, or rather the question in me, did he ever loved me?
Or was I really that convenient wife, which can be soo easily replaceable within such a short period of time.

I know many will think, don't be silly Fleur... just move on... Its over... it does not matter, there is a reason why he did not make it to your future....

How I wish, he was someone who keeps the promises he gave me.....

Like how we always talk about when we grow old.
how he promised that even when we are old, he will still hold my hands.... the things we will do when we are old etc etc....

That's the thing... Our relationship was bad.. then again, we still hold hands when we are out together......

Funny thing was ex sister inlaw, made a comment when she was helping him with our divorce.

She told me

:" Fleur, you know, I was actually very surprised that you two will choose to go down this road. The 9 years I have seen you together, I have seen him change so much from who he was before he met you, and the two of you are always soo loving, holding hands, sitting together. Never would I imagine there is this "cancer" growing within your marriage, for you always seem so sure, so stable so stoic. You are always able to handle him when he is throwing his tantrums at home with the family.... I am shocked by this decision of yours to walk out of the marriage"

I remembered I kept quiet, for that's how the marriage was...... the marriage had this huge "cancer" growing within it.

Although I thought I never loved that man.

I did, I think I did love him more than he ever did love me.

I loved seeing him sleep next to me.

Yet, there are times I hate him to the core
I cannot imagine how can there be such a ruthless, heartless, cruel, non sympathetic, wicked person on this face of the earth.

Sometimes I look at him with admiration, his general knowledge is superb, and he never fails to amaze me with his knowledge of world leaders, politics etc etc...

Yet there are times I look at him with disgust and detest, when he does the worlds stupidiest things without sparing the thoughts for the people around him, his road rage problem, his cowardness, his nastiness to sales people, his impatience, his stupidity , his gambling habits, his ungratefulness etc etc

Sometimes, I look at how he treats his niece, and how he sayang lucky,and I think, this man has a heart.

Yet sometimes I think his heart is but the colour black :P
The wicked things he can say about other people's kids, the most evil of the most evil words that spews out of his filthy mouth.

He confuses me.

With him, it was definitely a LOVE and HATE relationship.
The Rollercoaster Emotional ride was tiring.

This is all that is going in my head... and now its out in the open.....

Wise words to share...

2009-05-31T21:57:00.004+08:00

Thanks Eunice and Pheobe :D

She sent me these words which were words that spoke right through my heart.....
a good reminder.... why I should move on with my life.... I cannot deny...thoughts of the past has been pouring through my memories the past week. THank God I don't have the pictures here in mum's place.... nor the wedding video... I am not going to go down that lane.... there is only soo much griefing I will allow myself to do. I know deep down inside, I made the right decision, and there is no turning back. There is no desire to turn back either..... Sharing these words with you all... iF you are hurting like me over someone who has hurt you in the past... I am now sharing these wise words with you....

************************************************************

Concentrate on this Sentence
'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.' When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. Concentrate on this sentence... 'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'

There comes a point in your life when you realize:
Who matters,Who never did,Who won't anymore...And who always will.So, don't dwell about people from your past,there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

Cycle 4 on Avastin

2009-05-29T15:46:00.002+08:00

Yesterday session was good. I was there totally alone but it was good

New Dr is cute :D and super polite.... though i have yet to really get to know him...But what impresses me is that he stands up for every patient that comes in to greet them

He is quite sympathetic when he saw my blacked feets and hands.

Kidney is stressed....though. still cannot find out what's the reason of Kidney's stress leh..hmmm

Liver is also quite stressed.. so must be good to it :(

But the good news is there is a significant improvement in my marker.. its gone down to 76

I stopped crying, but i am not sure i am healing or doing what i am good at.... burying it deep inside.

I think my pride is very bruised.. i hate being a non entity :P

Going to rest now.. talk to you all again soon :D

have a good weekend !!

Gym Updates

2009-05-27T18:02:00.001+08:00

Did 35 minutes last evening on the bike 10km in total....
But i ate sinful dinner :P one Ba Chang (Meat dumpling) *Sob*

Zombie me...blessed me...

2009-05-27T13:17:00.002+08:00

Fell asleep at about 11plus last night, after CSI in New york started, but because the silly aircon decided to act on me again, it started dripping water...sigh....
So by 2am, I was awake as the drip drip drip was getting louder... despite me putting a pail below to collect the water..yes.. it was soo hot I decided to actually bear with the dripping for awhile.... but by 2am.. it was wayyyy tooo noisy and I had to off the aircon.

However, from then on... I just could not go back to sleep again, the blinking lights of my forgotten lap top caught my eye, and when I flipped it open, I realised I did not shut down the last time and I was still at Mysoju - Flowers before boys series :P

So, the itchy fart me decided, lets watch one episode..and hopefully I will fall asleep.... Obviously not :P One episode became too many and before I knew it, it was 5am:P

I guess i needed to cry and the touching scenes in that series.. Me sucker for romance had tears flowing freely through these episodes..... Sigh.....

So yes , this morning I could not wake up... it was a horrible feeling!!!!

Came to work and logged on to gmail, Phoebe left me a very encouraging email... Thanks Phoeb! and a Good friend sent me an sms asking me to bear with her today for she is also griefing over a terrible episode in her life..... I sent her a prayer that Su has said and sent to me when I msged her for help.

That helped me, cos when I sent to Girlfriend, I re read what Su has prayed and it calmed me down greatly.

Then, before lunch Girlfriend sent me this article from rbc..... (my previous email)
and it felt like God reading my mind and giving me the encouragements that I need.

Oh must also mention Monday, Tuesday and Last night.

Monday, in the morning J msged me to say hi, and I poured out everything and she gave me some of her insights she learnt from her Landmark forum thingy.....some made sense , some did not... but the fact that she bothered, and she made me see that I should focus now... rather than past.... I agree.... then

Christy, insisted we meet for comfort food. I am thankful... for she is definitely a better listener I can ever be..cos she leave me to gripe to tink and from time to time giving me her honest opinions. I got free dinner HA HA HA cheapo me...Thanks dear :D

Tuesday when I felt terrible still, I had K, who "listened" to my entire story again, so that i could regurgitate it out ....all through MSN during work hours HA HA.... He gave me some of his male perspective and it was definitely helpful...

Simpleman, someone whose blogs I follow rather closely in Multi, suddenly found my blog and gave me his 2 very valueable 2 cents worth, and I am thankful....

Then its amazing, I wanted to talk to G for he knew my story, but because he has been soo busy with his new baby and coming ones.. and happy married life to a gorgeous woman... I hesitated beeping him in the internal msn...and Viola last night... He "Song Sang MEn" (send himself to my door) HA HA HA

He beeped me just before I was about to shut down and go to the gym....
And when he asked me how I was, I just poured everything down.
He helped remind me that I have done enough and I am not a failure and no man can accept what Ex hub did.
He was the one that helped me to never start any conversation with a "no" previously,cos he observed that I used to do that very often, I am thankful that he cured me of that terrible habit HAHAHHAHA.....
Talking to G again... was comfort... he was there when I was going through the worse times in my life..giving me positive compliments whenever he feels my ego needs a boost :) Too bad, we don't talk as much anymore..... but I am happy for him cos he is now soo happy..... he's now has the life he was walking towards :)

So there... I am blessed right :)

Listen to me...For I am here....with you....

2009-05-27T12:57:00.005+08:00

Hi all,
Those who are not Christians, bear with me through this article. I am not preaching but I think it should be read through as how we can actually turn our weakness to our strength, how we should take that thorn in our flesh and use it to our advantage ....ha ha maybe as a clothes hanger HAHAHAHAH... kidding.... but you get my drift.

Look as the God termed here as the God you know, and devil as just that Devil who everyone hates and who makes your life miserable. Of course if this article inspire you to believe that there is a God out there.... Then AMEN :D

It speaks to me, cos I really have a thorn in my flesh.

I am thankful that when I cry out to him, he has sent out soo many wonderful Angels of his to comfort me.

Everyone of you who has commented and given me encouragements you are his Angels you know :) Some of you who has been reading quietly, choose to step forward during this period to give me such encouraging words and I am just soo sooo thankful. Some have even sent me emails filled with soo much warmth and encouragement, which I tear , just because I know my prayers are being answered through all these wonderful people.

I hope the others who are struggling as well with you own lives... reach out ...and read this article...you are not alone... you are only alone if you believe you are.... reach out...and really even strangers will reach there hands out for you....... reach out to anyone, without expecting any response, and trust me you will be overwhelmed...but forgive those that are not able to come to you, for they most likely have their own issues to bear and may not be the right people with the right strength to be there for you now.... :)

***********************************************************************************
Today's Text: 2 Corinthians 12:9
Stuck with a Thorn?

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
A small, older, hunched-over lady greeted us with a glowing smile at the doorway of our little son Matthew’s Sunday school room. She was one of the most effective Sunday school teachers at our church, and Matt loved her. I’ll never forget the time she told me, “Pastor, God made me small and bent over so that I can be right down here where the children are! If I weren’t like this, I couldn’t relate to them so well.” I was blown away by her perspective on her plight in life—her “thorn in the flesh.”

A thorn in the flesh is any affliction in our lives that, if we aren’t careful, can defeat us with a good dose of self-pity and embitter us toward God. But the important thing to know about our thorns is that Satan desires to use them to defeat us, while God is determined to use them for our good and His glory.

The apostle Paul is probably the most famous example of someone who was stuck with a thorn in the flesh. Paul knew right where the thorn had come from. He referred to it as a messenger of Satan. And though Paul never tells us what his thorn was, I think it’s clear that it was a serious problem to Paul. He said: “Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me” (2 Corinthians 12:8). God didn’t answer his prayer with a miraculous healing, but rather assured Paul that, “My grace is sufficient for you.”

It’s important to know that when God permits a thorn to remain, He gives us grace to accept it and sometimes even the grace to understand the purpose for which the thorn is intended. Paul came to realize that God permitted his affliction “to keep me from becoming conceited” (v.7). Paul was a gifted person and could have easily become proud in his abilities and accomplishments. That proud spirit would have been a disaster to his usefulness for God. So God took what Satan had intended to defeat Paul and turned it into a smashing victory by enabling him to stay appropriately humble and therefore useful.

Getting a grip on why God permits our afflictions, weaknesses, or disabilities to remain has a powerful effect on our attitudes. Instead of shaking his fist at God and grumbling about his thorn, Paul realized that God’s power was being made perfect in his weakness. That insight produced an upbeat spirit of delight and satisfaction. As Paul said, “for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses . . . For when I am weak, then I am strong” (v.10).

We normally don’t think of being strong in weakness, but that’s just how God works. He knows that if we think we are strong in and of ourselves, then we will become proud and self-sufficient. And when we feel that way, we are in reality very weak and unable to accomplish much of anything except for thinking how cool and capable we are. God has a better plan. When He needs to accomplish really great things through us, He sometimes needs to get our twisted view of ourselves out of the way. So He takes Satan’s intrusions into our lives and beats Satan at his own game! You may see it as a thorn, but God sees it as a triumph!

You don’t have to be Paul to start seeing what God is doing through your thorn. Rejoice that He cares enough to keep you from getting in the way of the great things that He wants to do through your life!

*************************************************************************************

Retail Therapy :)

2009-05-26T14:34:00.001+08:00

Must go gym.. so that my feet can go into heels like this again.

Bought it.. LOVED it.. and can't wait to wear it soon :D

The Journey has begun

2009-05-26T12:58:00.002+08:00

Ok, this will be a series of very very weak posts of mine, hence please bear with me. I thought hard lastnight whether I should blog about this journey I am going to be embark upon and show how weak how bitter how hateful person i can be. How depressing my journals will be? And I thought this is private , so maybe I should not blog about it... I should do it my own way... and only start blogging when I am well and ok...

But you see, this is my Journey, part of my entire journey together with my fight to live!

For every cancer patient, healing does not necessary need to be the physical healing, but also the healing of the emotional aspect of a person.

I am hurting very bad still, and I am not going to lie about it

I am not ok now, but I am going to work towards that.

I am going to journal the pain so that I won't try and bury it and not face it....

I really want to heal as a person.

Cos I think there is a person inside there that deserves true happiness...

*****************************************************************************

Now there is pain. Huge pain....

I logged into his email account again.

He has deleted all the emails that I have sent him over the years. Erasing me from his life.

I am angry and hurt

I will cry...for me... for me....

2009-05-26T11:00:00.001+08:00

Last evening I went to the gym.. Yes me… I went to the gym…
First I have to say, Nessa's idea worked.

I truly sat in the bike and peddled through 1 entire episode of The Big Bang Theory. That 30 minutes was the least boring experience of my life.

I never once looked at the clock on the bike to see when my 30 minutes is going to end. It was a breeze sitting through that stationary bike working my leg off!!! Sheldon was soo funny, I was laughing, but I did not care :P

For once I was not even conscious in a room full of men *laugh* that this fat girl, is trying to lose weight huffing and puffing like she is going to die. No I was laughing !!!!!

Then after that I did a brisk walk on the treadmill with elevation 6, another 30 minutes breezed me by, and wow, I was in the gym for an HOUR.

Legs were wobbly and alittle weak after, but hey!! It did no feel like a chore…

So friends.. Really!!!! If you have that same problem as me, not able to be on a machine for more than 10 minutes because you get bored looking at the same scenary or the same wall during that period of time, and 10 minutes feels like eternity??? Go get yourself a IPOD or soemthing… download your favourite series…( Okk you must be a tv buff like me) Then just watch each episode on each machine ! HA HA HA…..

Lets see how long my enthusiasm is going to last.

But you know what??? I must stop giving myself sorry excuses for having allow my butt to grow to this size that it is now, it really did not have to be this bad. It was all sloth and in a way, I think it was my way of being depressed, letting myself GO, letting myself be who I am today :)

And you know what????? This time round…I put up this 2006 picture of me…. In my Blog..not because I want to lie to everyone that I now look like that, but it’s a reminder to ME. No wait don't get me wrong, that I am again upset about being fat and all that shit… But you know, I know I can look good and feel good, but the sad thing is ..For years, even when I was Ok looking like in the picture here in 2006, I thought I was ugly and fat and disgusting!!!!

I am going to make myself look as good as I can now , despite my weight etc….. And learn to appreciate it……and hence the picture is to remind me, I have wasted so much time in self hate, that I did not appreciate it well when God was kind to me :)

I have an issue with weight problem, and I don't like it when I cannot buy clothes I like and dress the way I like due to some restrictions like my big butt and HUGE Ass tummy.
I don't like it when my feet hurt becos of the extra weight I am carrying
I don't like it when I feel sooooooo out of breath when I climb the stares.

And I hate it when someone look pass me because they think I am another 38 year old AUNTY HA HA HA…….
I am shamelssly shallow as a person, and I am going to admit it.

Oh I must say.... i think i was having such a good time watching my ipod while exercising that I think I have motivated one of the trainers there to go buy an IPOD hahahahah..... he came up and asked me what Ipod I was using and what I was watching that made me laugh and smile silly :)

Cry me a River!

2009-05-26T10:39:00.002+08:00

I did that. I cried. Not for him. But finally for me.

Yes, I finally grieved over my own life, crying because of me and me alone, of my life, and just be weak and feel nothing but sorry for myself.

Finally crying, not because of someone, not because of a hurt word, not because of anger, not because of someone's else's life.

But for ME

I think that makes a lot a lot of difference
In Christy's words. I have been trying way tooo hard
Tooo hard to be strong
Too hard to be happy
Too hard to show that I have moved on

Never really giving a chance for Me to Grief over myself. To for one moment LAMENT over the shit in my life, and just face it as it is.
I have been trying so hard to not show my weakness. But its only to be weak so that I can be strong.

Likewise, eversince I walked out of my house, leaving my marriage behind. I never truly grieved over it. I pushed on always banging on the fact that there is no reason for me to cry, for it’s the best decision I have ever made.

Never allowing myself to feel weak, for logically speaking, I have taken the "cancer" out of my life and I should be feeling free and happy.

So I covered plaster over plaster over plaster of a wound that never really got a chance to purge out its impurities so that it can truly heal.

I feel guilty when I look at my life and whenever I see the pity in other people eyes, the more adament to want to prove that I am ok.

But you see, its my ego, so I could not really accept the fact that yes my life SUCKED BIG time.
I have Cancer and a useless husband who was not able to by my side and gave me more shit than I actually needed.

My Life is not prefect, and yes I hated it. Its not easy and now I shall pretend that I am OK
I am not

I try very hard to be OK and instead of facing it, I hide it deep deep down inside….
Now that this wound is in the open
I am just going to let it be sunned and let it heal on its own
I am now not going to try so hard now.

For I realised
I am strong , I don't have to try so hard to prove it anymore
If I am happy I am happy
If I am sad, I am just going to be sad, I am not going to try and pretend I am not sad :)
If I am not Ok, I am going to say I am not ok
Like what Kurt said, If I don't like someone, I just don't have to like that person.
Its just that
Why complicated my own feelings?

If when I tell someone about my life, I am not going to feel guilty about it anymore. Yes I will say, my life has been tough, and its not been easy.....

Hence, yes, If I cannot forget all tha pain that Ex hubs has caused me, I cannot forget that is it. If that makes me not able to face his face and be his FRIEND

Then I will no longer try so hard to be chirpy and fine about it.

Call me bitter whatever, but I need to feel me.

Talking to Christy yesterday made me realised things, that I never saw that way.

For years, ever since I met him. The 9 years, I had a goal, a mission and he was my mission, my marriage was my mission, hence I tried so damn hard to be a damn good wife.

I did what I think a good wife should do, stand by her husband, kept the house clean and nice, worked hard at my job no matter how shitty it was then, and learned how to cook and baked.
Helped him in his work, in anything he needed me to do, so that I am a helpful good wife that has some value add

That was my mission

The last 1.5 years, no doubt I have learnt to let a lot of things go in my life. But I was totally lost. Cos when I walked out of the marriage, I walked out I hasomething I truly held close to my heart, my mission, my goal.

I have been goaless and missionless the past 1.5 years. In a way, I kinda lost myself quite abit, well no, actually I did not know who I am, for in that marriage, I had a identity. I forgot ME. And the past 1.5 years I have been trying sooooo hard to FIND ME…when, instead of looking inside and purging the NOT me out… I tried to pile it on??? And Me got hidden even more.

I grieved over my past
Last night was the funeral of my past. I cried.

I know from today onwards I will stop living in that world, but I am not going to try so hard anymore, I will let the wound heal. I will cry if I feel sad.

Lets go on this journey with me.

Yes, cry and grief that you have cancer, that your life has changed to soemthing you no longer recognise. Grief so that you can be strong

Grief so that you can be happy again.

Cry for No one but yourself.

Let all that toxin go out of your pores

If you don't feel strong, you don't feel strong… cry it all out…its ok to just reach out

If you are not happy, then you are not happy …..

But ask yourself… do you want to live this way forever?

I asked myself, and I said NO.

To be honest, I don't know how long this feel good feeling will last for me… I may stumble and crumble again. But it’s the process of learning to heal… so …..bear with me as you journey through my life with me :)
There…..its Tuesday, and its now all nice and sunny :D

Looking for a home....

2009-05-25T10:36:00.001+08:00

Finally I am starting to look for a home ....
Went to see Riz Heaven - all 2 rooms are sold out... went to see blue waters 2.... there is one for subsale... but its still about 650k... hmmm............

Lets pray hard that I will find my own home soon......

The day when it rained in me.

2009-05-24T21:30:00.003+08:00

I guess this day was waiting to come, as I realised, what I have been doing all this while, is I have been running away running from really facing it right up in my face. My bravery all a facade, and my courage crumbled within the walls of my soul. ONly for today. I will only allow it to crumble today. THe storm, the rain will only fall this day, I will no longer allow it to rain any time soon anymore...

I saw him today with his new girlfriend, walking towards me in Tampines Mall. I was on the phone with the this proerty agent marketing one unit I was interested in, I looked up and from a far I saw him.

I have not seen him or spoken to him, since the day I packed by bag after our fight on the night of 22nd Sept 2007. I walked out knowing that it was to save myself, my sanity and ultimately my own life.

I knew he started dating agressively, and for the longest time I truly believe and wish him to be happy, and learnt that what was between us was not meant to be. I have tried my best for the 9 years with him, and I gave it the All i knew i could give.

Nothing prepared me for my reaction. I turned cold, the memory was suddenly filled with flash cards after flash cards of our time together, saturday is the same, walking through heartland mall doing aimless shopping. Something just laughing over some stupid jokes..... then the bad memories came like a tidal waves, me crying my heart out over one of our shouting matches in public, me crying shamelessly in the midst of people ,hurting over the awful words he would say to hurt me. All the hurt came tumbling back, I was literally shivering inside, it was like a nightmare. I suddenly feel so tiny so small, such a damn failure.

What have I achieved? Havnt' i moved on? Aren't I a happier person? Why seeing him again looking like how I first knew him brought back such terrible fear. I was shaking from within, no tears but I could feel the rain falling hard inside me!!! I turned around and walked the other way, there was no way I could face him and be that gracious person that I thought I would be. I knew then I was not ready to face this man, not ever. Is this because I have not let him go? Is this because I am still bitter? Is this because I have not forgiven him?

I was lost, I called Jie, but I know she was having a terrible headache and I know she also did not know how to react?
I was feeling terrible, I told my family as they all gathered in Macdonalds, but i kept a cool front, trying to push away that feeling in me that I cannot and don't understand. Everyone did not want to talk about it, I guess they did not know what to say, and I just surpressed it all inside. I tried smsing a gf of mine, I was desperate to just talk to someone.... I could not understand the raining. This is just not right! I should not even be feeling this, I have never felt this before.

I felt like failure. Here I am achieving nothing, and and...all those 9 years meant nothing. Nothing at all. I meant nothing at all. I felt like I have become a non entity.

Anyway, I guess gf1 was busy.... i was desperate... i could not cry i could scream, I don't know whether I was upset or hurt or angry. I could not define that feeling.

Thank God, as always God sent his angels - gf2 & gf3 replied, they talked through with me, finally when I was able to let it all out, I feel normalacy creeping back into my life.

Gf3 spent about an hour with me and it finally hit home when she said something that calmed me down. She believed, I have yet to truly have my closure. I guess, I have avoided facing the reality of it all by actually not seeing him or talking to him since that day I left that house. Everything was via email or sms. Maybe somehow, its God's way of telling me, its time to have this closure. Its time to face it. Its time to open my heart again, and truly let the hurt leave me. Maybe that's the only way I will ever really heal as a peron. Maybe I am bitter afterall, I have just been lying to myself.

Me who treasure honesty, have been ,but surrounded by this world, I have created myself. This thus has led me to this point in my life, where i have yet to achieve anything I ever want to achieve. I am such a pathetic fool, I am such a hypocrite.

I promised I will no longer cry another single tear for this man, and hence I will let it rain inside me only for today, for I will and must have a closure. I don't want to ever feel the way i felt today ever again, and I will not allow it. It made me weak, it made me small.

God if you hear this, this is my prayer to you. Thank you, and I hear you .......Like my physical tears It must not rain anymore. Love your prodigal daughter.

Ohmmmm.....My first Yoga Experience

2009-05-22T11:51:00.002+08:00

Thanks to Sue, I finally started Yoga class.

Yesterday was a very good experience. The teacher was very calming, and what I like about this class is all about breathing and relaxation.

no don't be mistaken I am not a Yoga Buff yet.... I don't think I will be the sort that goes all the way into it. Not now I am sure.

For a long time, I have heard alot about how Yoga is good and relaxing etc etc and people who seem to start on it somehow gets kinda hook on it. For me I always thought it was wayy too slow... i would fall asleep !!!

Then there was this thing about it being a religion which is not very ermmmm Christian like, well some teachings somehow. Anyway, I read one book "Eat Love and Pray" and something in the book kinda "enlightened" me in this particular area.

Yoga, like everything else, there will always be the extremities. People who goes to the extreme and hence into the religious factor of it.

However, if viewed just as a form of exercise to relax the mind and the body, and not absorb the whole free the mind relgious expect of it, nor if we choose not to see it as a religion but that of a physical relief, why not Yoga? if it can help?

Faith can only be shaken if there is no good foundation for the faith in the first place.

I am not the model Christian, but I am sure enough to say what I have gone through or have been going through, has given me good foundation in my faith for the Heavenly God above. Infact, through my life, he refused to let me ignore him!! So how not to believe that he exists? How can I take on another religion when its Him who has saved my sorry ass again and again???

So yah, and when I was told how affordable the lessons were going to be, I told Sue to sign me up immediately!!!

Yesterday was a good session.

It was truly relaxing, and the teacher's voice was very soothing.

The good thing was, she cannot stop emphasising the fact that, we should relax to a point where the positions we attempt to do should not be to a point where we are trembling or pushing way too hard..... to learn the correct way of breathing also helped...Not sure whether it was my imagination *laugh* but i could literally feel the oxygen going into my every cells.

Why do I say that?

I admit, my normal breathing is rather shallow...hence when i did the deep breathing , letting my abdominal muscles expand and trying my best to exhale or squeeze out all the carbon dioxide out of my lungs...wow....

The thing is, at the end of it, I had a sudden bout of tension headache. However, it slowly subsided as we cool down, with all the neck rubbing, face and jaw massaging.

All I can say is, it was a good experience, I am looking forward to my next, which will be the Thursday after, as on the 28th May 2009, I will be seeing my New Onco Dr R, I really hope he is as good as what the nurses tells me *laugh* and Good looking too??? HAHAHHA.... feast for my eyes I hope... .... sigh... hear how this fat old lady speak now adays *shake head*

Anyway.... I hope my other Yoga lessons will be as positive... will let you all know...

The good thing is... finally my YOGA mat I bought for the longest time is no longer a WHITE ELEPHANT !! HA HA...

Uncomfortable Comfort

2009-05-21T16:49:00.001+08:00

Yesterday, I told 2 colleagues that I am not that close to but they are pretty nice people about my divorce and my health situation, not in great details but enough.

Why do I say it was a uncomfortable comfortable situation?

First its also because on Monday I went to office wigless. For sometime, I actually continued to wear my wig to work, for I really don't know how long the current cycle that I am currently on that lets me keep my hair will last in its effectiveness. Yes that sounds alittle pessimistic, but really, this is something real and I promise myself that I must not overstep the line between optimism and delusion.

Anyway, if I should again have to lose my hair before my actual hair grows to a bob length, then, I will have many ignorant people asking me about the hair difference.

So yes I struggled for awhile to go open, or to keep it on the quiet.

Decided… life is too short to hack what has yet to happen! I will deal it when it does happen.

So, when I came to office with my short short stick to the head hairstyle, many commented on it, I must say, everyone made my day ! HA HA…

I was told it was chic etc etc etc…..

But what made me most happy? I do not have to run to the washroom ever so often, to take the wig out and let my head and hair rest *laugh*

Anyway, back to yesterday. After bring Dad for his appointment with the Radiology surgery, I met some of my colleagues for a birthday lunch. So within the group, the ones that I were closer to, knew instantly why I suddenly had such short hair, and of course those who are cluelss was alittle, lost, that was when I talked about my health, my situation, and the fact that I have been coming to work wearing a wig the past couple of months! Good thing from their comment was , they could not tell that it was a wig HA HA HA….

I could see the "OH I am sorry " look in them, and I felt bad. I don't know, Whenever someone replies with "OH I am so sorry" I feel terrible. I feel that I have put them in this uncomfortble position of knowing something that is not term as a "happy" news, and hence not knowing how to react to my news, all because so that I can feel comfortable and not hide anything which I really feel I should not hide.

Most times, I don't know how to reply to them so that they will not feel bad for me. Hence, I would simple nod and say " oh please don't say you are sorry :) its no one's fault, and everything is good :)" And I will not dwell further on the topic, unless they ask me more questions. Cos over the years, I realised not everyone is comfortable talking about bad stuff like this.

Anyway with my divorce likewise, infact very few people knows about my divorce, I never felt compelled to tell people, but if they ask, I never denied. Ok maybe initially to some of my colleagues when they keep asking me how my husband is etc etc.

So last evening after office hours, I was supposed to stay back to work on a
report, and this young colleague of mine who is planning to get married at the end of the year, was quite flustered with her preparation for the wedding, I shared with her my experience, and she wanted to see my gowns etc, so I showed her the pictures of my wedding.

When she asked me who the guy in the picture was, I was like err… my ex husband??? HAHAHAH I mean….. Reallly… why would I be walking down the aisle with an unknown man right….?

And she went : " huh? Ex? …..OHHHHH.. I am soo sorry"

Then it hit me, that uncomfortble feeling again…..I know its just the most natural reaction for anyone who hears something bad has happened to another person. I really don't blame them.

What I cannot understand is this uncomfortable feeling that I get, inorder for me to be comfortable.

For me, I like to talk about things, I like to be open about my situation, for I really think there is nothing I should fear. This is my life, most of it are a result of some of the choices I made along the way, hence I have to just face it and move on. Hence, I really would love to be just honest.

But each time, I reveal my situation, I don't understand why I feel all uncomfortable? Am I not as comfortable as I think I am ? Hmm….

Fried Rice Paradise :)

2009-05-19T09:26:00.000+08:00

Just the other day, I had a conversation with a friend whom I have not caught up with for a long long time.

Anyway, somehow, I could hear some difference in her tone of voice, she was not as carefree or as "happy" as she was before. She's gone through some tough times as as her husband has had some health issues, and she's got a kid, whom thankfully, she is blessed with wonderful in laws helps out to look after, together with a maid

She was actually sounding quite depressed, and bitter about life. One thing that said resonated in my mind, she asked

Friend " Flor, why can't my life be simple? Why people can have a happy normal day to day life, healthy husband, many kids and generally happy life, and why is it soo difficult to achieve that?"
I kept quiet when I heard her say this, for I am not surprised. For the past couple of months, I have spoken to quite many people, and I realised, many people have a lot of good things going in their lives, and yet they have also actually told me the exact same thing.

Ok back to my friend, to me, her life is as good as it can get. Just to share some background to my friend's life…….Yes there is no doube her husband has some health problem, but its not life threatening, some inconvenience yes, but not like he is totally useless. Her kid is one of the cutest kid I have ever seen, and I tell you, this kid is one of the easiest to please, you know those kind where there is no tantrums and just a true sweetheart through and through? Her in laws love my friend more than her own parents love her. The in laws shifted near their place..not her mind you! Her inlaws uprooted to be near them, so that its easier for her and hubby to drop off their kid to the inlaw in the morning. If you think "roll eyes" that her inlaws are the sort that gives them no privacy, and will pop by anytime without any warning, no! you are soo wrong. Her Inlaws believes in personal space and privacy, and only comes by when invited!!! The MIL, does marketing for my gf base on what my gf asks her to buy, and No this MIL does not take the the opportunity to bring the marketing to my gf's place without announcing or permission!!! The MIL actually brings home, washes the things that needs to wash, pack them to smaller packages, calls gf and ask her whether PIL and her can drop by her place downstairs to pass her the marketing!!!! And if GF has any laundry that she needs to be done, bring it over and they can either collect it the next day when they bring kid home, or PIL is more than glad to drive over and pass it to them!!!

Her husband is a good man. Not the most healthy person around, but he takes care of her and the family well. I mean look, the last birthday gift to her was a new car, cos he thinks her old car which was a old suzuki was too small and hence not safe for her to drive:P
Wait, I am not being sour here. I am just sharing abit of the background so that I can make my point (By the way, I told her I am going to blog about this, without saying who she is HAHAHAH)

Like the many who have told me the same thing, all I can think of tell them is….. Learn how to make the best Fried Rice you can possible make with what you have in your refrigerator and kitchen. Really!

How did Fried Rice come about? It was definitely created from left over rice, and throwing in whatever we can find in the fridge and making the best meal out of it.
Don't you think life is like that?

Yes no doubt, if the fried rice has Crab meat and prawns …. Lobster or scallops it will taste extremely good with little effort, but then, if the cook does not even know how to fry it right , it can still taste horrible!!!

Hence, really, does it really matter we don't have crab meat or succulent prawns or lobsters in our fridge? Does it mean we cannot make a delicious tasty plate of fried rice?
What is most important is our creativity and our ability to accept the fact that, this is what we have in our fridge now, and we try to make the best with what we've got. If possible, we will go grocery shopping some other day and remember to stock up the fridge if we want, but if we are hungry now, and we need to have some food, then isnt' focusing on what we have now more productive and sensible, then sitting there moping, wondering why our fridge does not have the crab meat or lobster or prawns we see in our neighbours fridge?

Is that going to make our hunger go away? No, not only we waste a lot of time whining, and wondering why our fridge is so "pathetic", we will definitely not even able to enjoy anything we cook, for we will always look at our food and think it could be better!
And then you get yourself all miserable? Is it worth it?

Should we not instead focus our energy into lookin at our own fridge, and realise, hey, I may not have prawns, but I have char siew, or I have some nice bacon, or I have some chicken meat, and salted fish…. I mean, if anyone who has eaten "hum yu gai lap chow fun" (Salted fish with diced chicken fried rice) you will realise that it can make one damn tasty plate of fried rice ….YUMMMMM Smack lips!

Even if there is no meat, I am sure there are some vegetables, and eggs. I mean hell, White rice, if with the right seasoning can also be a damn good plate of fried rice you know!!!!
Lets not focus on what we don't have
Lets focus on what we have
Lets instead of wondering why we cannot have a sumptous meal like others,
Lets make the most delicious Fried Rice Possible.
Hence… Lets go FRIED RICE PARADISE!!!!!

Out dirty Spots Out!!!!

2009-05-13T17:04:00.001+08:00

My blackened hands...

According to Dr Wong - this is one of the side effects of Xeloda which I escaped the first time round.
So ok cannot complain.

Spoke to TCM, he said he will add herbs that will reduced these blackening...

Now i perpetually look like a very ungroomed person who has very dirty hands!!!
its like I permanently hold newspaper in my hands and did not wash the ink out after... HA HA......

Where oh where is thy Sleeping Beauty???

2009-05-13T16:48:00.004+08:00

Today's meeting with customer went well, and the famous "partner" of ours did not let me down by playing their political games during the meeting :P

Seriously, I think , over the years, one main experience I have picked up is NOT to fear partners:P I think I have learnt to some extent the art of replying to their "queries" as diplomatically correct as I possibly can. Its quite fun sometimes actually *laugh*

I have been craving for Ribena again, and hence though I had to pay 2 bucks for a watered down version at the food court today, I also Jadi.....

Life has been good and busy for me. I really have no complaints.

However, the insomnia that has been bugging me for I cannot remember how long is really wearing me out big time.

For weeks , I manage only maybe 3 hours of sleep each night??

I would fall asleep at about 1am..and to suddenly wake up at about 3am or 4am and from then on it will be the drift off to sleep for 15 minutes and my mind is awake. The lack of sleep has made me somewhat retarded. It takes me a longer time to read or to comprehend certain things.

My wittiness has withered so drastically, I would not even give myself a "pat" on the shoulders with the stuff that comes out of my mouth... yes I have become nothing but a boring nitwit.

My ability to even do my famous hearty laugh is dismal ......

And and... the skin in dry....and my droopy eyes, their outter ends can touch the floor soon:P

Strangely, my appetite is back..... OH NO.....

Ok I know.. I must start my exercise regime soon... But i am so so so tired.... all i want to do each night i go home, is to bathe, and just crash in bed and veg out infront of the tv..... lazy right????? yes I have succumb to the dreaded vice called "SLOTH"

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

where oh where is thy sleeping beauty??
Why hath thee forsake thy wretched self?

The Best of The Big Bang Theory Season 1& 2

2009-05-12T19:53:00.002+08:00

As per Hwee Leng's suggestion.....

I found that someone has compiled some of the best parts of The Big Bang Theory Season 1 (part 1 & part 2) ... hence I think it gives you some idea about the show.....

Bullocks....HA HA

2009-05-11T20:11:00.002+08:00

Godson 2 was very witty...

Cos... I read somewhere in the internet that the Chendol at Jonker no. 88 is SEDAP (VERY DELICIOUS!)

It was SOOOOOOOOOOO NOT so...

Hence, in the night when we went back to Joner for the pasar malam, we saw this bullock cart outside the Said Chendol store......

And Godson2 actually, said, hey, lets take a picture, with the word.........

Oh well... take a look at the pic and you know what I mean... he is sooooooooo cleber sometimes :D

Get it???? Chendol 88 - BULLOCK....

HAHAHAHAH

Malacca , Clouds & ME

2009-05-11T19:50:00.007+08:00

My favourite picture....

A light of HOPE...

Ahh Chendol.....

Ahhh these are the old old fashion tubs in the bathrooms!!!!! My Ah Chor had one!!!

I like this lantern...outside a residential paranakan home...

Hoe Kee Chicken....

The Rice Balls

Can you see the BUNNY????? he he he

This will be just a blog of pictures I took... in Malaca... my favourites....

I hope you will love my cloud pictures as much as I do... pardon the Amateur work though :)

Big Bang Theory & Me on a Long Thursday....

2009-05-11T19:34:00.003+08:00

It was a very very long day for me on Thursday.

Went to NCC at about 10.30am.

Guess what time I left that place ??? 7.30pm...!!! Its a marvel I survived.

They had the mask and temp station set up outside NCC, and the best part , it was not crowded at all.

But I had to wait 30 minutes to register for my blood test, another 15 minutes to wait for my turn, and 1 hour for the test results.

I went for my lunch at about 11.30am, very determined to try something else that day, however the pull of the Ayam Penket overwhelms, and guiltily I devoured my lunch. Not that it was very good any more:P

Next time I must try the Korean noodles he he he....

I bought myself a Lemon Juice, just so i feel less guilty.

Oh, I lost 1 kg... so you can imagine my happiness when I stepped on the scale...GOLLY how desperate I am HAHAHHA 1 kg,.... also HAPPY like a SOTONG (local Slang for super happy)

Anyway, went back to NCC Clinic A at about 12 plus, and waited till about 2pm before I saw Dr Wong....

A mixture of Good and Bad news again.

Good?

Well, My markers are going down, slowly, but surely. Liver seems to improve a wee wee bit... I am not complaining ...Any improvement is always good news to moi :)

Bad?
Dr Wong is also leaving NCC already!!!!

Why are all the Good doctors leaving, and all the bad ones staying behind (HINT HINT DR LEE:P)

But then I don't blame her, the poor lady, did not even have lunch yet when she saw me... that is very detrimental to her own health!!! Plus I think she's got kids too..... I wish her well, and I am really sad to see her go... amongst all the docs, though she does not say much, somehow she knows how to handle me.. I have to give her that. Her patience is amazing.

So ya...

Then I went up to wait for my turn at chemo. Though my time was supposed to be 1531, by the time the called me in, it was almost 5pm:P

By the time anyone realised that I was sitting in my ARM CHAIR (it was chair 6 in Jasmine suite)

I think it was almost 5.30pm....

And yes you guessed it... by the time I finished with my Avastin and Zometa it was almost 7pm.

Bro offered to pick me up. But as usual, told him to come at 6.30pm, he only arrived at about 7.30pm!!!! and he did not send me home too, seeing that I was still normal, he insisted that we go Chinese Swimming club to make use of my Monthly F&B $10 entitlement.

So yes....by the time we dillied and dallied (Cos after dinner Bro decided to bathe there)

We left CSS at about 9pm, so that we could pick mum up after work.

By the time i reached home that night..... 10pm...

God was very kind. I felt really well enough, abit tired, from all that waiting.....

but I survived.

I must sincerely thank Ness for helping me to download alll that wonderful TV series in my IPOD, I will not know how to kill all those hours otherwise...and becuase of Thursday, I am now the "BIG BANG THEORY" addict

This tv series is HILARIOUS. I think people think I am abit mad... cos I cannot help not laffing out loud at some of the damn corny but smart witty jokes... Especially Sheldon...he is Damn funny.....

Anyone who has yet to catch it.. please do.... half the time you don't know what they are talking about, but when the funny line comes.... its just classic!!!!!

Blooming Flowers....

2009-05-04T16:45:00.004+08:00

Finally, my plant did not die on meeeee!!! They actually bloomed.

I am soooo very very happy :)

See how gorgeous it has grown????? I really think Classical music does some good to plants :D

I GOT HOPE HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH.....

If plant can live.. SO can I :)

My Crystalised Ipod....

2009-05-04T16:41:00.003+08:00

Hahaha... yes I can be soooooooo Drama Lian....

I crystalised my IPOD... but this one is a trial... found this really easy crystal stickers that are pretty alright, and tested in on the back of IPOD... nice nice nice???? I cheap skate mah, scared with my super Klutz skills, I would make a mess with the Sworovszki crystals that I bought. Can't decide on the design as well.... so this is as good as it gets for now..... I not soo stupid lah, I bought the clear skins and pasted on my ipod before I pasted these crystals.... HA HA...

AntiOxident test @ Work

2009-04-29T19:19:00.002+08:00

Well, for "recreational" purpose our company organised this AntiOxident level scan thingy at the office today. We all had to pay 5 bucks just to use our hand and hold a machine...GAH..!

And the level of Anti Oxident in my body is only 13000...which is the lowest of the lowest *laugh*

All because I am fat...HA HA HA... no lah.. but Fat does contribute to that.

This was initiated by Phamarnex and I know they are part of Nuskin.

hmmm... I was asked to go down and do more scans with them tomorrow.... and they suggesst me trying out their TeGreen product.

Will I be conned into buying things I will have no disciplin to take?

Hmmmm...

I am a SPA Addict!!!

2009-04-29T09:51:00.001+08:00

Yes, I cannot stop thinking of a good massage.

Sigh....

Swamped with work

2009-04-28T18:20:00.002+08:00

Hi All,
Sorry for the lack of posting.
Work life has been gearing up big time. I guess, everyone's on their toes, and hence customers are also more demanding in terms of the attention they require, probably to justify our costs *laugh*

Anyway, I am still in office now.

I am mostly tired by the time I go home, so yup that's why I don't even update when I am at home :(

Am planning to go Malacca again... HAHHA yes... AGAIN... cos this time round is to bring Dad.

So hope we will have a good trip this time round.

And errrr....the past weekend was very eventful.

I had wonderful SPA experience at Sheraton Towers Hotel on Saturday with my colleagues follwed by a huge sinful bowl of laksa ...YUMS....

Sunday, was to attend a very very close friend's wedding, someone by who in her own way has motivated me alot. I am very very happy for the couple, for I think, they are good for one another, their partnership, to me, is perfect enough.
It was very nice and calming ceremony, which I almost teared during their solemnisation. Then again, seeing the Bride glowing yet, so cool, and relaxed, it was very very nice indeed. I did not know anyone at the wedding, but really it did not matter at all, for my purpose was to be there, to witness something that i think its beautiful :) I am glad I was given that chance to share that special moment with this very special couple .....

Monday, which was yesterday, I had a huge ass presentation, I think my nervousness was not with me presenting to the customer, but more so, my colleagues that were going to be present. My dotted boss in Germany dialed in, my Global director was there, they were my stress factors HA HA HA HA... but I am glad I survived it, and am glad that the Global Director was happy with my presentation.

I was nervous like hell, and I could literally feel myself talking really very fast, gosh!!!
After the meeting, I msged boss that I survived, and she was a real sweety, she msged back saying that she knew I would be fine, and that I just had to have more confidence in myself :)

OH well....

Feet still aches ...but I am slowly slowly learning to deal with it... more like live with it.

I really don't like my fingers though, they are getting so black, I feel so damn ungroomed.
You should see how I try to hide my fingers throughout the meeting hahahah.. i wish wearing Gloves is a norm.HAHAHHAHA

okok... no more rubbish...now I am going back to slogging my life away on this report thing that is due on Thursday... in my colleague's words

"OH GOD OH GOD ..HOW HOW HOW"

yes... I am comforted I am not the only drama mama whiner in the office now *laugh*

Its a skill you know....alot of energy is required to be able to heave that amount of air into the lungs and produce enough noise to prove our point. Furthermore, there is all that hand action, pulling of hair action.... comeon.... give me the Leading Actress award man.... why Joanne Peh... *Shake head* ... okok my bad.... I just don't like that girl... Don't ask me why.... I just ..sigh.... its just JUST.....

Cheers... this is tuesday evening. Another day has passed!!!! Seee I told you , you would survive through it... DIN I?

MUAKS

Reflective Thursday on relationships

2009-04-23T11:26:00.005+08:00

Ah ... today is Aunt's Jo final morning here in Singapore and soon in about 4 hours time she will be up and up and away into the land which was my home for 4 years about 10 years back... GROAN how time flies...

My fingers are turning black...GAH! and I thought i have perpetual dirty hands and have been washing them again and again. So NOT GLAM!

Anyway, am I a sourgrape or am I really being very cynical about man woman relationships now?

I recently realise something. I am not the best person to comfort a person who is going through a break up.

I have to be totally honest here, I am not being callous nor am I not being sympathetic. Its not that I don't remember the pain that a break up can bring a person, and I won't be surprise one day again I will go down that painful road.

But now, I am just not the best person, why do I say this? Cos I have been trying my best to comfort my dearest friends who are going through this now, and my heart aches when I see them sob so painfully. Yet, there is this side of me that just keeps saying, he is just an idiot that does not deserve you, move on!!! I know I know that is just soooo unsympathetic, but I just think now its sooooooo damn stupid to be miserable over a man.. they are the biggest antagonizers to a woman's emotions and sanity, why oh why do we allow such power holds?

I have wasted enough emotions on soooooooooo many men who were not worth my time in my life..... gosh.... how much better I could have spent using it to find or learn to appreciate those that were worth mine.

Then again, am I saying all this because I am not in a relationship now? Or am I really affected and frightened by relationship so much that I have become this cynical?

But I am not saying I don't believe in love anymore. I do I do... I see good relationships blossoming , I witness a wonderful marriage , these I have learnt to see , sure they have their own set of problems, but the hearts are together..... you know what i mean?

I just think now that at my age, I have no time for bullshit anymore. If a relationship is giving you more grief than joy, then don't you think already something is already not very right?

The clock is ticking, I don't think if I should go into the next relationship, I have time to trial and error. I know what I need. I know what I can give. So if I am given what I need, how much more that person will get outta me. But if what I can give is not what he needs. Then lets not waste each other's time, lets move on and find another that can or when the match of needs and gives can be compromised to a level where it is acceptable and does not over compromise our personal happiness, inner balance and peace.
If not really, isn't it better off being alone?

My experience with Mr Ex hubby has taught me that. For the many years I stayed with him. I was afraid as well to be alone, and for a long long time I stucked to the mantra of , its better to have someone than to have none... see where that has gotten me :)

I think its nice to have someone, a companion to share, time, laughter , tears & joy.

But it should be a bonus. Not a necessity.

Cheers. Its Thursday.
Someone's definition of Thursday that I really liked went something like that.

"Thursday is nice, for its very close to the weekend and far enough from Monday to make one smile "

Have a good day everyone :D

Wednesday - Happy Happy Day

2009-04-22T10:58:00.004+08:00

I am in a bright colour blouse *laugh* yes me ... Fl*** in a bright flowery blouse ..

Had a long long day yesterday, somehow I woke up with this determination to be just bright and cheery.

A friend of mine is soooo nice.. THank you.. the minute I talked about my online store... he is already at it... software ... domain name alll set to get me started.... its me... i still cannot decide on a nameeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. So now he is back to gear 1... HA HA...

Dad is doing good... hungry all the time...

Aunt Jo is going back tomorrow *SOB* she's brought soo much live to our otherwise boring life...

Oh Did i tell you she is my lucky star in shopping??
Ok cos about 4-5 months back , on the MRT train I saw this lady with this snake skinned guess bag which I thought was very veyr nice. Sudd I had this sudden liking for snake skin bags.... don't ask me why, I use to think they were gross... probably is the age thing. And eversince I saw that bag, I have been thinking about it, hence for months , everytime I pass a Guess shop, or the Guess bags section in any shopping centres, I would make a point to go in and ask for that bag. Many times I have been told that this was a bag from a very very old season, and they do not think they have it anymore in Singapore!!!! I am like DAMN....

So ok.. what happened?? On Saturday, AuntJo went to Simlim with me to buy my WII Fit, and after that we walked over to her favourite OG. So after shopping there for awhile, we decided to head out to Ju's place. When we were on the first level of OG, Aunt Jo sudd needed to go to the washroom. As I was carrying my WII FIT and some stuff she bought and I bought, I decided to just find a first place i can lean the stuff against while I stand waiting for her to go to the washroom. So I did, I went towards this Sale Box , put the stuff down and just stood there waiting, somehow something in the sale box caught my eye... I turned and took a closer look!! BEHOLD it was a box full of Guess bags on sale...and there amongst all the other heavy and ugly guess bags... was my Mock Snake skin bag which was supposedly no longer in existence in Singapore. I could not believe it!!! and it was going at 40% discount... tell me!!! if you were me... Don't you think that this bag was meant to be mine????????

Asked the girl wehther she has any new pieces...she checked her storeroom, called warehouse and was told that , the bag that I was holding in my hands was the last ever... are they bullshitting me?? Anyway....I don't care... its meant to be mine... just there right under my nose when I was not looking for it...HA HA HA... so without second thoughts, making sure that there were no terrrible scratches etc.... i headed towards the cashier... HA HA HA.. so there... an example how life is soo unpredictable... sometimes when you think life is over, it decides to suprise you ....

Ok this is just my wednesday ramblings....... till then .... i have a terrible headache... the weather out there is wayyyyyyyyy tooo hot.... i can literally smell a suckling pig..... yes... me being roasted..... (me born in the year of pig lah)

Hmm...my results.... after Cycle 1 on Avastin

2009-04-20T11:05:00.002+08:00

The results is not Ideal.

CEA marker has inched up again to 107.

Though my liver activity has reduced by 40%

The kidney activity has gone up though, so Dr Wong is telling me to minimise the amount of "tonic" I am taking and give those babies some rest ... actually i must have more water lah....

She is very encouragine and keep refusing to tell me what actually is my situation HAHAH... so I will just leave it as that, as long as I can still walk, work , eat and live as normal as I can.. I am contented.

Leaving everything to God is the best decision I have ever made, and yes sometimes I get a little complacent. But you know what, the peace I feel in me.... I just don't know how else to share it.

I will continue on Avastin and Xeloda, for Dr Wong say that this is usually the case for AVASTIN, i cannot expect miraculous results each time I go on a new drug....

Another God's blessing is that the insurer has come back after my long email to them about being advanced in science crap (justifying why Avastin should be covered) , they will re assess and consider adding Avastin into the list of drugs for cancer...

So there, this is a mixture of good news and bad....

But I am still thankful for everything and everyone.

My cousin who despite her busy schedule wanted to accompany last friday for my chemotherapy, which i told her I will need to spread my resources hahahah....

Sel brought me instead, and spent the entire day with me. Thanks again sel.

oh ya ... Sel's leaving for BJ with family soon... sad sad... but yeahhhh I got reasons to go BJ for holiday and shop like crazy again....

I am stilll thinking about my online shop.. but I think I don't have the "luck" to sell things.. maybe my marketing is bad....

Anyone who has any experience in this, your advise will be the most helpful...

I am looking at selling classic clothes. Clothes that are simple but are for all occassions... that simple LBD, or pencil line skirt..... i don't know.. all just things I simply like and fall inlove with.... shoes, bags that I think are worth the money.......

Its MOnday... lets smile brightly ... for that's how life should be....

Update on my Seeing mr EX bf from Long ago Saga....

2009-04-15T14:34:00.002+08:00

Well, I obviously I survived the dinner *laugh*

I was actually very nervous that evening. I wore a very simple baby doll dress and I carried a borrowed Chanel bag *laugh*... ok ok i know that is lame... but but.....

Anyway I am glad I carried the borrowed Chanel bag.... cos I love that DAMN BAG.. its DAMN NICE...but I will not ever fork out that obscene amount...sigh...

Ok back to the dinner....

I went downstairs to wait for Xiang as he brought over my ring which I dropped into the gift bag for his daughter earlier in the day...so sweet lah him.... lucky its near his house hahahaha.. whilst waiting I saw him! I saw him and wifey... going up the stairs to the ball room.....despite how he looks now, i cannot deny he still has this certain Ah beng style that I liked about him last time... he was in black...and his hair was UGLY *laugh*.... his wifey was also carrying Chanel...but the old old one with Gold hardware....

So I went up. I don't think he recognise me... afterall i am fat... with the baby doll dress.. I looked very preggy HAHAHHAHAHAHA

His table was just a couple of tables away from mine, and somehow the way he was seated, there was no way i could avoid seeing him *laugh*

As the night passes... I don't know, I just did not care anymore.

I was very amused when I went to the washroom, and suddenly his wifey burst into the washroom with such hurry right behind me. Through the mirrors, I could see her checking my bag out....trying to see wehther I was carrying a fake or a real thing. I saw hers... hers was not the lamb skin one....and it was quite funny... hahahhaha seeing her comparing hers and mine...then she looked at me from head to toe... oh well.... suddenly something in me just woke up... I cannot care less..... even if I should look worse now... I am sure glad that we did not progress any further... obviously he is still who he is or even more beng then when I first knew him... at least when I first met him, he was this smart chap who was in this really good uni and I was in awe....now... errrr..... (by the way he got kicked out of the uni in his 2nd year) HA HA HA....

Yah the wife is all slim and tall and pretty, and I am happy for him, for he had always needed someone goodlooking by his side... (that was the reason he dumped me for the other girl was definitely much better looking than me.. all his room mates told him so - i agree that girl then, I would even dump me!!!! she was gorgeous!)

But what was very embarrassing was when half way through dinner, I went over to pay my respect to my grandaunt, who is a table away from His.
Grandaunt was hard of hearing and in the end , everyone at the table had to shout so loudly to tell her I was "FL***" so and so youngest daughter !!!!!!

SO really even if he did not recognise me earlier, he definitely knew it was me by then!!!!!!

Dinner was fun.. it was good to see him again. But yes, I am the chicken! I did not walk over to talk to him. Neither did he come over.

Oh he did go over and said hi to Aunt Jo:P Yah he knew Aunt Jo cos when we were together , he actually drove me all the way to aunt Jo's place despite the heavy snow during Christmas..... that gesture really did touched me to the core then!!!!! Never knew he would be the asshole he became in the end... oh whatever!

So you see.. I survived.

I am beginning to accept me better .... even the additional fats I have on me.. I am still me..... and even if I am fat.. there is no reason to like me less.... :D

Cheers

Wednesday Ramblings of the ongoings with Dad...

2009-04-15T13:28:00.004+08:00

The past week has been BUSY…. Dad is finally out of the hospital. They did a Embolisation for him to curb the internal bleeding of the tumor that is located between his small intestines and his pancreas.

I am sooo very angry with his Radiation Doctor. I mean this guy is pits. So far I have yet to meet him, but my sister has gotten it quite bad from his "hao tai ness" (obnoxiousness)

First, he was the one who recommended that my father goes for 10 sessions of radiation. Through this 10 sessions, Dad suffered. He was not able to handle the many side effects and he was bleeding even more after 9 sessions.

Dad suffered quite badlyfrom internal bleeding during that period, and his bleeding was even more profuse after sessiong 9, for at that point in time, after having blood transfusion, the very next day, his blood count fell to a low 6!!!

He was losing blood at such an alarming rate,which was the reason why we had to hospitalized him the week before!

This clearly showed that radiation was not doing anything for my Dad !!! It did not stop the tumor from bleeding or shrink it in size!!! YET!!! this stupid Doctor can yet insist that my dad go for 2 more sessions of RT.

I am like WHAT??????

Jie specifically asked him what will the 2 extra sessions do for him? Will it help? If 10 sessions did nothing but worsen Dad's situation, what can 2 sessions do???
His answer to Jie was, "looks like you don't really care whether your father bleeds to death or not"

Oh, one more incident about this stupid RT doctor…by the way he is DR LEE…. He has als been insisting that we also do RT on the tumors in my father's brains.

When Jie asked him what are the other side effects that will happen if we were to go for it, he told Jie that Dad would most likely go straight into Dementia…. Definitely we are not keen for that to happen, we know , with Dad's character, that will just kill HIM big time. Seriously, what's the point of living if one no longer has control over his mind? Right???

So we were not keen about doing the RT in his brain, we asked whether the tumors are affecting dad a lot or will they put dad in any danger, eg. blood clot, extreme pain etc. Dad's Onco did mentioned before that as long as Dad is not in any discomfort,considering his age we should just leave the tumor alone for awhile, and do you want to do know what that stupid Dr Lee said???

"looks like you children are not concern with his well being, what is the point of quality of life, if he has tumors in his head? Shouldn't it be more important that he is alive, then worry whether he gets dementia or not, are you all more worried about having to look after him? "

This comment is so damn bloody uncalled for. If we do not care for our Dad, would we even bother bringing him to the doctors?????

We know our father best. He guards his independence (although he likes to be pampered when he is not well) fiercely. Like me, quality of life is most important, what quality of life is there when we lose our minds???????

I am like ..WHAT IS THIS IDIOT TALKING ABOUT? Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Anyway thank God, Dad has a marvelous , kind hearted , compassionate Oncologist Dr Toh.

After much discussion with Dr Toh, we decided to go for the Embolisation procedure.

I tell you, God has been very kind through this entire procedure, for the entire thing went so well, that Dad did not even complain about the pain!!!

But I must say Dad is one amazing man sometimes.

One more thing....
During Dad's stay in the hospital, the bed next to him housed terminal cancer patients twice. Yes both men that came in and slept in the bed, died after a couple of days. I would have been scared shitless, but Dad being Dad was even able to go to the families each time and asked to pray for the deceased.

Anyway, Dad is out of hospital and is doing pretty ok.... will continue to pray that all is well for as long as it can......

Birthday, Pressies & Me

2009-04-15T11:34:00.009+08:00

Started Hectic!!!! HA HA....
Decided to work from home that morning, as I had a very late conference call the night before.

Aunt Jo, was at my place, and she gave me a early morning hug and of course my Ang Pao. ML gave me an Ang Pao too!!! Mum as well... HA HA...

Well, but when it came to work, of course there were no exceptions. Until Boss called me and asked me to go back to the office because "lian" jie needed to show me the watch I wanted her to make for my aunt. Also for an internal meeting.

Lynn and Shan offered to come pick me up and send me to the Dohby Ghout place that they wanted me to go see the present they bought for me. So sweet of them really. So yes, I left the house at 11.45am, reached DG at about 12.15pm. However, by the time I left the shop it was about 1.15pm. That was all because I could not resist and ended up buying this japde pendant for my Aunt and this Jade bracelet thingy for my mum.

So here is my present from Lyn and Shan... Sugilight crystals - suppse to be very good for cancer patients. So sweet of them right. It was very expensive, and I was quite hesitant to accept the present but then again, I know why they are giving me this so I accepted it graciously *grin*

I had a very pleasant surprise when I reached office. They actually bought me a cake. To be shared with Eng Hiong whose birthday was 4 days after mine *laugh*

The gesture was really sweet. My colleague even bought me my favourite Koi Bubble tea !! So sweet hor?????

Then I rushed down to Centrepoint to mee aunt Jo, we wanted to go eat Sanur, but the silly restaurant closed at 2.30pm:P tsk.... We ended up having lunch at the Thai Restuarant instead. Aunt Jo paid for the lunch..

After lunch, mum , aunt jo and me went back to the gem shop in DG as mum's Jade bracelet was too big, hence asked them to shorten the thing, with the extra piece of jade, I had them made into a simple choker , which turned out very simple and nice indeed!

This is a picture of the choker heheh...

Then Aunt Jo and I headed to Chinatown, as she wanted to show me some stuff she wanted to buy from OG. Gosh I never knew OG had such good bargains!!!

I managed to buy 2 Elle Blouses and 1 Elle Jeans skirts all at 90% discount. Yes you got it right, I paid only 7.90 for a S$79 Elle Jeans skirt .... I am indeed a very happy woman HA HA HA

At about 6.30pm, I headed towards SGH, as we managed to ask the doctor for permission to bring Dad out for dinner at the Kah Soh in SGH. Dad was very happy. Then again, because everyone was very tired, me with all the running around and Dad who got pretty exhausted at the end of the dinner, tempers flared alittle. I got upset with Jie who refused to give me the corner piece of my wonderful cake to bring home, citing that Icing sugar was bad for me. I was adamnent and she got pissed off with me.

Anyway, this is a picture of the wonderful icing sugee cake that I LOVE LOVE LOVE....

However, through the evening, maybe because I was very tired and with all the running around, I had difficulty breathing. Appetite that evening was also not very good, and was very bothered by a collicky tummy.

So anyway after sending Dad back to the hospital, I sat downstairs waiting as I was not feeling very good suddenly, I started gasping for breath, and fear overwhelmed me I started crying *laugh* Jie panicked when she called me and I was gasping.... I think I just had a nervous attack, overwhelmed by all the tiredness and the flares of tempers during dinner, plus the collicky tummy. I felt very bad. I cried even more, cos I was very frustrated that, I allowed my nieces and nephews to see me in that state..... I stayed downstairs while all of them went up to see Dad and take some pictures with him. I am glad I was given that time to cool down and get my breath all regulated *laugh* I was such a baby really.

Ok... now the exciting part... my other birthday presents!!!!!

Jie and Godson got me this, cos they have given up encouraging me to exercise and they hope that this will help serve its purpose!!!

Jie also bought me this Boh Liao Ring

and of course this bag of Slimming creams from Clarins to complement my WII exercise :P

Then there is this wonderful keepsake book from Sel, who wants me to jot down and keep moments that are precious to me.....

Sis in law and the kids (Amanda, Cheryl and Branden) gave me this book on Divine Healing. The bookmark was also a very good present (S$50) hahahahahah

But was most touching that Sis in law got me this book despite her difficulty in believing in God, and also the messages that we written by each of them for me :D

A cousin (Actually my aunt though she is younger than me) gave me this lovely bath set... so sweet of her really!

The smell is just AMAZING!

Then Fitti who knows I love Calla Lillies actually tried finding them and sending them to my place...though I think the florist was not very honest cos they did not give me Calla lillies but White Lillies instead... BUT HACK... I still love the thoughtfulness behind it and I am sooooo touched. !!!!

This is how the bouqet looked like when I got it.

Then it bloomed to this the next day....

and then the next day.....

Pressie from Christy and Jo - the cannot believe that till this day, ME who takes the train has no IPOD ... heheh YIPPPIE my first I-Thingy!!!!

Did not manage to take picture of the Ang pao from Cindy and the cute little bag with a beautiful notebook for my bible reading from Angela.....

Finally this is ME with no wig , no scarf!!! at La Cavatina - dinner with Christy for my birthday :D Food was wonderful and we ate ALOT

My Blessed Birthday

2009-04-10T00:36:00.003+08:00

I am nothing but blessed blessed blessed :)

These are what I got for my pressie this year...and what made it all special...???? every one of it came with a thought...these are the best kind of pressies....

Pictures coming up....

I am blessed double blessed... thank you for all the wishes...the amazing presents.....

Monday's Ramblings...Malacca, Dad's hospitalization...

2009-04-06T15:07:00.004+08:00

No Pictures yet.

Ok yes I am a terrible daughter. I went ahead with my Malacca trip despite having my dad in the hospital, leaving the work to my sister.

Originally the plan was for Aunt Jo to go Malacca to enjoy the food, and of course the other aunties and uncles from mum's side. Then the idea of the trip got more real, when Dad got interested and I was hoping that he could go for this trip before anything got worse, so I went ahead and made the necessary arrangements.

Thursday, anyone who knew what happened... Dad was hospitalized again. Rushed home after lunch when I called home and heard dad gasping for breath. It was very scary for me, cos I cannot help but relate it to my Jack's Place incident. Being breathless is NOT fun.

Jie was already home when I arrived, and she had called the ambulance. Thank God, dad was more calmed by then, and asking him to do his qi gong breathing kinda helped I guess.

They brought him to the nearest hospital which was Changi Hospital. Waited there till he was stablised, and the A&E doctors advised that it was best to transfer him over to SGH as all Dad's doctors are in SGH. Despite his blood transfusion on Wednesday, Dad's blood count dropped to a low 5. This was critical!!!! The bleeding must be quite serious for him to lose the blood in such alarming rates.

I did not follow Jie and ML to SGH, as I was not feeling tooo good as well, was getting pretty breathless and was very exhuasted by all the running around and waiting in anxiety. Jie and ML was very sweet and they told me to go home and rest.

Friday, after visiting Dad, and to be sure he was alright, I decided that, I should just go ahead on the trip with Mum and ML in tow.... I think we 3 women deserve this break, till when Dad comes home. I think then the stress be ours to bear.

So yup, ML surprisingly was brave enough to join the group which was mainly Mum's relative ...ha ha ha... i can literally feel alot of eye brows raised at this juncture. Yes, we ourselves were quite surprised too.. but I guess she needed that holiday. Its been a tough few weeks for her too looking after Dad, as she is the one next to him each night when he is home.

It was a good trip. One of the aunt was very very generous, she knew that I would be paying alot more with my Dad, sis & son not going, she offered to pay the difference for the cost of the bus we hired.
Managed to postponed the other 2 rooms till May 09, hopefully by then Dad will be well enough to travel.

Overall the trip was good, i ate alot of sinful food, and bought some stuff. Mum is happy, aunt Jo is happy, and ML is happy, and I am also contented.

I had good news from a friend of mine and I am extremely happy for her (you know who you are *wink*) This is the best best news I have heard so far, and I am thankful that she chose to share with me while the news was still fresh out of the oven heheheh..... Thankyou. It definitely lifted the spirit BIG TIME.

As for going for the dinner.

I have thought about it... I will just be myself. It does not matter how fat or how ugly anymore
This is me and what is most important now is that I am happy *laugh*

Maybe its God's way of waking me up HA HA HA............ and an ultimate test to love me more than my physical self........

OKOK you got me...hahahhahahahah I am trying to brain wash myself OK.......

Why oh Why..... Why now pout

2009-04-02T10:59:00.002+08:00

Ok so.... what's this Why thingy about???

Well, got news that I will meet this ex of mine at a cousin's wedding dinner on the 10th April *groan*

Why oh why.... its been like what 10 years or more......... and i have to meet him when I am now like this... why can't i like meet him.... when I was young slim and so full of hair? HA HA HA....

ok some people wonder why I am sooo "git git" about this whole thing... cos I was dumped by HIM hahahahah that's why *grin*

Oh well.. I guess i just have to face it... hack it... afterall.... I am happy with who I am now... right right????

New Adventure :)

2009-04-01T16:29:00.002+08:00

2 days after Avastin….
Still abit tired and breathless, but I am good. Am in office now as I type this…so horrible right *LAUGH*

I have to say, this is good *smile* even when I was on Navelbine I did not recover so fast.
Then again, I had 2 days of rest, first like what Scloud warned me, Avastin makes me hyper throughout the night, if anyone saw me on FB at 4am in the morning…nope your eyesight was not failing you… it was really me HA HA HA

Ok everyone who saw my status update *wink* that this is being my second time,and I hope for a one time wonder…. Well… it all went well YIPPPIEEEE…
Let me decipher what I meant.

Monday was 2nd time I went for Chemo all on my own. Yes, the first time was about 5 weeks ago when I had my Zometa. All went well that time. Oh well it was only Zometa then…this time, I took the courage to again go on my own *grin* and really it worked out really fine!!!! The only thing I did not like was that, my session only started at 5pm, despite the fact that my appointment time was 3.30pm:P The whole regime took about 2 hours :- 90 minutes for Avastin and 30minutes for Zometa.

Actually, I think , I was not really alone, God was with me for sure. Why do I say that? Well, he just so happened to allow one of the nurses who has NO issue with handling my porthecathe walk pass me as I was sitting there gong gong waiting for someone to really do something to me *laugh* So yes, she took up my file and ALAS, my prayers were answered, she put the needle in me, with no hassle!!! There was no need to repoke me ha ha….I think that is the scariest part of this whole chemo thingy experience for me so far. And that part was definitely well taken care off.

Another reason why I think God was with me , was allowing me to meet Scloud and her Shuai Ge at the pharmacy when I first arrived at NCC. Speaking to Scloud definitely lifted my spirit, she is just soo nice, and somehow, the colicky me was instantly on a better mood as I went upstairs for my session.

The only troublesome thing about going for chemo sessions alone is, the trips to the Loo inbetween the session *pout* I had to lug my entire bag with me, plus push the entire drip stand into the toilet….. A bit ley chey lah….but bearable, just teaches me to carry a smaller and lighter bag next time *laugh*

Ok, I must admit, I did not go home on my own, cos Dad had his Radiation Therapy that evening as well, and both he and ML stayed back and waited for me to go home together. Dad was the one who insisted on waiting for me. So sweet lah hor… most times my dad is a very sweet person, like I said before he loves his children then anything else….. I am only mad at him when he goes into his manchange mood hur hur…. He is spoilt and I am spoilt…. So yah… like me… when I am sweet I am also just as likeable you know *grin*

So yes, I was the 2nd last patient that evening. The aunty was already moping the floor outside he he…. And and God again had this taxi all ready waiting at the taxi stand for us….. No jam when we hit the Ecp and tried the KPE route somemore….

In conclusion, this session was extremely pleasant indeed!!!!

I just realised that the cost of my per cycle (every 3 weeks) means that I am actually buying 1 Chanel classic every 3 weeks *LAUGH*

Darn…. If I get healed one day… I am definitely going to go out there and buy me a CHANEL….. At least the classic…well that is after buying my Santos first *grin*

Drug free no more....

2009-03-26T15:49:00.002+08:00

Well... back from the hospital today....
First.. its sooo crowded...... and what Pru said ...tickled me but was a very good way to describe the crowd today

Something like ... it looked like someone just decided to bring a couple of busloads of people to NCC today *laugh*

Anyway, to give NCC credit..its been a long long long time since I have had to wait so long for my turn at the blood test station. I waited almost 45 minutes for my turn?

Oh well....

Again after the blood test, happily I "skipped" to SGH , looking forward to my Ayam Penket.... then of course I got a reminder to buy Dad's Sugar level machine test strips...... damn..these things are very expensive:P Now I know why I keep getting reminded to buy from someone who had been at the hospital too:P Though the strips were on sale! the avg cost is still about $1.35 per strip OK!!! its like wah lau..... Straight away i msged that someone to let her know and that she has to now use it prudently:P

So ok... I finally got to sit down and eat my "flattened chicken" thing......

but I did not feel good... by the time I walked to NCC, collected my blood test results, went to A clinic to collect my appt number, i had to run to the washroom to purge most of that sinful food out *sigh*

Most people who have spoken/ texted me the last couple of days, I guess have been hearing this common response of mine that I have been feeling very tired.

Today's results tells all...

Everything has gone up.... if only the economy enjoys such bull runs too *pout*

Liver Function test
Alkaline Phosphatase has gone up to 387
Alanine Tansaminase gone up to 202 (previously 33)
Aspartate gone up to 190H (Previously 33)

Cancer Marker CEA has also gone up to 81.2 (previously 11.5)

See how much money I would have made.. if this was the shares market *bleah*

So yes.... no more drug free days for me again...

Will be starting on Avastin and Xeloda again on Monday.
Hopefully, this can help to again prolong my quality of life..and that my body will not reject or get used to it tooo soon.

Avastin is damn expensive.... now waiting for company's insurer to confirm whether this will be covered.. even if its going to be covered, the policy will not be able to cover all.....

How much is it going to cost me this time?

Avastin - once every 3 weeks = S$3000
Xeloda - 2 weeks everyday (oral) = ~S$1500

I have about 8k left in my insurance for chemo drugs... so yah.. lets see... I am sure God has his plans for me :)

32 months and counting ....

2009-03-25T15:31:00.000+08:00

32 months…and counting :)
Well, just realised its been 32 months since they found that 6 cm sucker in my liver….
I am still here to bug everyone….
Lets look forward to the next 32 mnths :D

Friday's ramblings again...

2009-03-20T17:05:00.003+08:00

Its been awhile since I really blog blog. Ok I think i have true writer's block, or maybe I have been very contented.

Today I was at a customer's event. Some people who has not seen me for a very long time, gave me the "oh you are big" look. Really it did not matter so much anymore.

Infact, one of the most pleasant compliment came from a very strong woman who I feared for her bluntness though I thoroughly admire her as a woman and her abilities. She looked at me and commented that despite me not being that "tiny" person that I used to be *laugh* I look good and I carry off my new weight very well *laugh*
I like that compliement.... and like what my aunt says.. I am "deliciously plump"

Oh well. This is however no excuse for me NOT to lose weight. But at the rate I am going... its results , dismal *laugh*

Ok so much about my weight.

Lets talk about me..as in how I have been, what i have been doing etc etc.

This month of "Holiday" from chemo has been good. Other than the irritating feet pain and the lack of good sleep. I have been feeling good.

Going out with my Aunt has been therapeutic. She is such a joy to be with.... very positive nature, and her enthusiasm for shopping is infectious. I just have this urge to be able to buy everything for her *laugh* Of course, food is something that is very much part of our activity as well. I am glad to see her enjoying herself. Just that her energy is something I wish I have when I ever reach her age. I doubt so, for now me, I am already having trouble catching up.

Work has been good, though, more things needs to be done and everyone is pretty "on the ball" now, so no lepaking or acting blur is possible. So yes the lack of updates in this blog during work hours *laugh*

Despite being on "early menopause" due to the chemotherapy, I have my mood swings.
I realised there are days which I can be so insensitive that I don't really like ME.

I become this really petty person who cannot take simple jokes.

A good example was last evening, my replies to a friend with regards to his wife giving birth to a 2nd child. When he said "no need" when I asked him for his address so that we can send some thng over, instead of thinking that he is being kind , and not wanting us to waste money, I took it negatively. I felt really silly after.

I told Cin about it.... cos really I don't like it when I get all emotionally not stable .... I hope this is just a passing thing.

I guess i hate the thought of imposing my friendship on people. Somehow in a way there are days that I am confident and comfortable with myself, but there are days I just feel I am not worthy to be anyone's friends, or that people just don't like me anymore for whatever reasons.

This is a terrible feeling and I know its all in my head... I mean really *roll eyes* who can resist not loving me...now that there is MORE of me *laugh* and I am sooo nice and fuzzily cuddly HA HA HA.....

So yah.. that's me.

I am really not looking forward to my doc's appt on the 26th March 2009. For I reallly really do not wish to have to start chemo again. I enjoy my freedom, to be able to come to work everyday and I like being able to plan ahead without thinkin about whether I will be too sick to do it, etc etc. Like I am planning to go with the old folks to Malacca on the 4th and 5th April 09. This time I am just going to just plan and assume i will be able to go.

I hope I will be able to extend another month of holiday from the dreadful Chemo..... Gah....

God, if you are hearing this... heheh please please...

I like this bag...

2009-03-20T16:35:00.001+08:00

So tempted... i know alot of pple are carrying the Monogram one.... but i think this is very nice.... hur hur.. I am a HOBO bag sucker...... but very expensive......anyone going to Paris????

Hope ? or Sale?

2009-03-19T12:46:00.005+08:00

**** sorry I realised I did not indicate what therapy I am talking about here.... its called BIORESONANCE THERAPY using the BICOM 200 machine *************************

Have anyone tried or heard of this Therapy before? I am curious, i would appreciate if you could share with me whatever information you may have.

First I am torn between the incredulity of its' claims. Really if this machine is able to detect cancer in a persons' body and able to totally eradicate it with its treatment without much pain. I think it would be a revolutionary discovery!!!

I will be very pissed off with the people that have succumb me to the pain and inconvenience of a CT Scan, not mentioning the damage that the contrast can do to our kidneys.

I will be thoroughly upset, to find out that if really there is a cure for cancer!!!!! and because of the Great Conspiracy amongst the Drug companies for their Chemo drugs, we cancer patients are put through the agony of needle fears, the nausea, the side effects that chemo drugs brings into our lives!!!!

I am also worried for people who have utter faith in this therapy, and they allow diagnosis and cure to be entirely done via this therapy. I am worried because, first I think if this therapy is not as wonderful as it claims to be, it is very very sad, if it should diagnose a perfectly healthy person with Cancer, putting through that person therapy and claiming 100% recovery after. I think first its cruel to make a healthy person think that she/ he has cancer when she does not have.

Second, if a person who truly has cancer and goes through the therapy and is declared cured by the machine, does not go and verify the clearance via the conventional method, I cannot imagine how it is going to be when his situation worsen when he thought he is already healed !!!!!

I am not saying that this therapy is not working, if it does work !!!! I am most excited and delighted, because you cannot imagine how great it is going to be!!!!! A new lease of LIFE!

Hence, I would really like to hear feedbacks, opinions about this therapy, testimonies anything!

I don't want this to be another false hope thingy, which I saw my ex director scrambling around trying whilst she was fighting her fight with cancer, and to only finally fall back onto Chemotherapy in the end again as the final hope

Anything related to cancer is not cheap, and I think not many people have that luxury of financial comfort to explore a hope. I think, many people are willing to come out alot just to have hope, and NOTHING is more DEVASTATING, then to find out that all that HOPE is nothing but just plain empty promises.

Sincerely I pray that each one of these people selling such Hopes are not in this for good money but because there is really true hope in all this.

Words Tell...

2009-03-15T22:32:00.004+08:00

Its truly heartwarming, when I read a good post from a friend who I know genuinely has found herself, and you can actually hear that sigh of contentment that comes through her writings.

I am happy, for I am too going through this period of self discovery, though I may not have achieved all that I want in life, but I am learning to be very comfortable with myself, my needs and who I am in this world which I use to constantly fight with.

Definitely I have alot alot more to learn and a long long way to go before I can stand up to the world and say..... WHATEVER.... in this I am happy now, and nothing can shake my world mode. I am learning and I will not stop learning to reach that.

But you know what breaks my heart?

Its when I read posts of friends who writes soo much, and say so much about their self discovery and yet... you don't hear that sigh of contentment coming through the writing at all. It becomes one which is a feel good post , saying all the right things, yet, everything else speaks otherwise... it is really sad...

Who says writings does not have a soul? It does, it carries the true soul of the writer, and if what is written is not truly how the inner soul feels, whatever comes out, if one truly takes the time to read through each and every word, you cannot sense the soul behind it....

However, if whatever is written truly straight from the heart, a grounded heart, the words speaks louds and clear, and you just cannot miss that sigh of contentment. It has this very clear distinguished sigh.... and its really hard to ignore it most times HA HA...

Hence Words do tell...and its very clear indeed.

I hope that the day I achieve that Sigh of contentment.... you can all hear it in my writing tooo ....

A new Cocktail?

2009-03-12T15:38:00.003+08:00

Well, on the 26th March 09, may have to decide what will be the new flavour of cocktail to put me on

From memory cos I cannot find the piece of paper that doc wrote
1. Avastin + something

2 Navelbine + Gemzar

3. Avastin + Gemzar

4. Avastin + Navelbine

5. Caelyx

6. One more new drug which I cannot remember what's the name....

So there.... will I ever run out of cocktails?

Hope not....

Then again, I will not allow myself to go on cocktails that will kill me , or cripple me

I am actually very happy with whoI am now, and what i can do now......

Lets stay this way for the longest time... I want to be remembered as this...

Of course, losing some weight would be nice
HAHAHAHHAHA

Have a great thursday :D

Alternative Healings? Hmm Lets See

2009-03-11T11:16:00.003+08:00

Sorry for the slow updates. Its my bad, my mind is just flat out blank and I just feel that I do not have much useful information or thoughts to contribute. Nothing seems insteresting enough to share HE HE...

Anyway, i have been looking around for possible alternative healings that I could at least let my Dad. I hate to say this, but alot of it seems like a lot of bull to me *apologetic look* and I really don't want to be one those that I know that tries everything, and in the end no one knows which therapy actually helped and which one actually put them 6 feet underground before you can even say AHhhhh....

Ok so, with a skeptical mind, I started reading and asking around.

Many recommended Traditional Chinese Medicine , which dad is already trying, it probably helped to slow down the rate that his cancer tumours are growing but its not helping in eradicating it.

Wait, I have not explained why I am looking for alternative healing for my Dad, well it is because there is no way we are going to allow him to go for Chemotherapy, as he only has one kidney left and we all know he is not the healthiest person in this world.

So there, for him to at least prolong is quality of life, I am hoping that I can find treatment which has some credibility and at least help contain those monsters without putting him in much agony.

Anyway, a ex colleague of mind told me about another ex colleague. I was very sad to hear about her predicament. It seems she has stage 3 cancer in her brain. Her husband is now into Naturopathy or something. I am still asking her for more details, and it seems is helping her with her treatments, and the results have been no less amazing!!!

Well, if this is the case, I am keen to find out more.

Of course before I allow Dad to try I will most likely be a guinea pig first, afterall such treatments are usually not very CHEAP:P

So yes, I will share my experience. IF you hear me rave about it, means ..got result lah...

If.... after this post. I am quiet about it.. YOu know I know lah *laugh*

SO lets see......

Foolish Pride and Selfish Prejudice

2009-03-04T18:52:00.007+08:00

I am sharing this incidents because, I realised my mistake and I hope this blog will be a reminder for me not to display acts of Foolish pride and selfish Expectations again. It was a small incident, but it could have been avoided if I had not first indulged in Selfish Expectations.

Ok here goes……

Well, for sometime, in my futile attempts to minimise my spending, I had this " Cheap skate" idea of saving some pennies. That is when the current Mobile phone plan that I am currently on ends its contract, I plan to use my Godson's student status to get myself a student plan, which entails me unlimited SMS which is actually killing me now big time with my current plan. The idea became very attractive after also realising that Godson2 did not have any plan with my current network provider whose student plans are extremely attractive.

At the same time, I also realised that my current phone was giving me quite a lot of problem. It has a mind of its own really, it switches on and off whenever it feels like it. Sometimes, the other party can hear me sometimes the phone just does not allow two way communications. There are also times when the phone decides to just hang, leaving me with this screen that mocks you relentlessly. Hence, with the end of my current contract, I realised I would need a change of phone as well. But there is no way I was going to spend 500 dollars on a phone.

(heheh see how much justifications I am making for myself above?)

Ok anyway back to my story...So you see, I am extremely selfish in that sense, thinking of my own selfish benefit out and out. Children who are reading this, This is not the right thinking ok. I know I am cheating:P

So what happened?

Godson2 was kind enough to tell me yesterday : Godmama, you want the student plan right, ok today can go sign up cos I need a phone, so you sign up for the plan I get the phone.

My Initial response?? I was really upset, because my first thoughtes were like "I also need the phone" Hence my retort was :-

Me : but I also need a phone, my current phone keeps giving problem

Godson2 : no no, I need the phone, you can buy your phone. If you want the plan, I get the phone

Me: but if I buy phone without contract its going to be very expensive I cannot afford that

Godson2 : no no….. (I cannot remember what he said, but my mind was already whirling in disappointment)

Me: But when your dad comes in June he always gets you new phone what, so …

Godson2: Yah if I get the phone now, when he comes I can ask for something else I don't need to ask him to buy phone anymore….

Godson2 : if not you ask gor gor to apply the student plan for you…
I looked at Godson1 and he gave me the "errr don't get me involved look"

Godson1 " Err, no lah" (he walks away)

Oooooooooooooooh That hurt….soo much…….. It was embarrassing…. The tears were just waiting to spill out with no end….
In my head all I could think then was, these two boys, I would give them anything as long as it is within my ability, they are my Godsons for God sake. Why were they being so calculative with me???

All I could do was keep quiet after that. I walked on, I did not want to continue the conversaton. My foolish pride took over, I felt stupid that I had put myself into a position that I seemed like I was begging, I had more dignity than that, no one owed me anything and I sure don't owe anyone anything, what more these are my Godsons why the hell did I need to beg them for? I was mad at myself, I was also blinded with hurt by my Godson's reaction and actions to this whole event……

Then it hit me, if I was never selfish and greedy in the first place, if I never wanted to take advantage of a service plan that I am not entitled to in the first place, then this entire event would not have happened, then I would never get so mad and so hurt! it was all so unnecessary at all.

Second, I should not have any expectations from anyone. Not even my Godsons. If I love them unconditionally does not mean they have to do the same. They are humans too and they have their freewill. The way they love is not necessary the way I should love.
Thirdly, it never pays to be greedy HE HE….

So I learnt my lesson…and I must remember, to never make the same mistake twice :D

*drum fingers on table* now I just have to bear with this current phone for 4 more months. By then my current contract will end, and I will be able to downgrade my current plan and sign up for a new phone. Hopefully by then I see another phone that I must so have *LAUGH*

My Happy go Lucky Dad

2009-02-26T14:55:00.006+08:00

I want to share a little about my Dad with everyone cos he is amazing in terms of how he is coping with his illness. There is no doubt there are discomfort and yes there are definitely times that he can be quite trying but his attitude overall is amazing.

Maybe we must thank God for giving Dad such a terrible memory. Friends those of you have met my dad , you know what I am talking about right?

Dad has and always been complaining about his terrible memory. He uses it so often, sometimes its quite difficult to decipher whether he really has very very terrible memory or when he is using this as an excuse for not wanting to think (Purely out of laziness)

This time, this terrible memory served its purpose. Poor Dad in his first 3 days in the hospital he had to go through consecutively 3 days of Endoscopy. This is not a fun thing. I now cos I have been through it once. It was a horrible experience for me and i could not imagine going through 3 of it consecutively!

But because dad's memory is not very good, after each scan, he cannot really remember the pain that he had to go through, other than the fact that his throat feels alittle scratchy. Also he is so oblivious to time, and cannot really remember whether he has eaten his meal, putting him on fast before each scan was also much easier. Then again, the not so good side of this is, he cannot remember whether he has eaten or not even we found his packet of biscuits in his drawers half gone *laugh*

The past 2 weeks after his discharge, it has been a chore explaining to him again and again everything about his new medication, and of course the reason why we have to inject him every evening with Insulin.

It can get quite frustrating, especially when we have to watch him closely on the things he will eat. The good side of it all, he has become a cookie monster, he is hungry all the time. The terrible thing is, he eats anything insight.... sigh...

Anyway, we are trying not to tell him or explain in too much detail what is happening and what he needs to do. He makes it rather easy, for with Jie and me, and he is rather obedient *laugh* we tell him to meet us at the doctors, he goes, not without questions

In a sense, my dad is a good model for the saying " ignorance is Bliss"

He knows he is not in the best of health, but he does not know how bad it is.

Hence he is planning for holidays with us, after whatever treatments that we bringing him to etc etc

My dad now is still able to go for his Qi Gong in the morning.

He is now like before he was hospitalized, you take alook at him, other than the scrawny figure that he is, you would not think this man was just hospitalized and all hooked up in tubes a couple of weeks back.

In this way, we are very blessed, and I think God has been very kind to Dad and us, his family.

Thank you once again for everyone's prayer, for this would not have been possible .....

The pounding head

2009-02-26T12:11:00.003+08:00

Have you ever been rudely woken up by a pounding headache?

Well that's what happened to me this morning at about 4am.
The head was pounding really hard and no matter what I do there was little respite

Its frustrating.

I had to break the promise to stop taking taxi for these 40 days....

sigh...

Ash Wednesday & Me

2009-02-26T11:59:00.002+08:00

Well after many years of being a Catholic, I think yesterday's Ash Wednesday meant the most to me.
Nothing special happened, just that this time I made a conscious effort to go for the mass despite the rain and the crowd.
There were forces that definitely made it tempting to just go home instead,but somehow I perservered.
The mass message was also very interesting and well, I kinda got slapped in the face by the messages HAHHAh...

You know how I always will type out my prayer, yesterday's message was to Pray silently in my own room. I need not make a show that I prayed to God, which makes alot of sense for its between him and me. I don't need to let anyone know what I prayed for them, unless I am seeking for help in a mass prayer.

Also for the giving of alms.. I am guilty. I know many times , subconsciously i turn to my side to see whether the person next to me give alms, or I mentally make some judgement when I see a very well dressed couple (in branded clothings etc) giving a miserly $2. Sometimes how I carelessly just take out my intended alms without making a conscious mind to conceal it. How not humble I was! So yesterday, the message reminds me of humility and really its no business of mine whether anyone gives alms or how much they give. Its my own personal thing with God and it should remain as that.

Understanding the reasons for fasting during the 40 days of lent has also humbled me. I will try in these 40 days to fast as often as I can, and in the mean time think of all those people out there in this world that cannot even afford the piece of bread or glass of drinking water that I am restricting myself to. This is extremely heart wrenching, and here I am bitching about me not have my own house etc.

I am not a saint for I know I am terribly spoilt and there are so many things in life I take for granted.

I hope in these 40 days, I will try to better myself as a person. To look outside my world and be aware.

Now I have to decide what luxurious indulgence I must give up for this 40 days.

Food? Taxi? Buying of shoes....

Do you have a luxurious indulgence you can give up for this 40 days?

Some random rambling... a long long walk...

2009-02-21T23:22:00.003+08:00

Its a long long walk
a journey through a tunnel
Dark, cold, lonely
where only a dismal end is seen
Yet , if willing & the mind is strong
happy smiles, sunshine and roses
instead, throughout the miles...

Its a long long walk
The body may slowly weaken
tired feet aches screams for rest
the temptation to say stop
Let it all end
Hovers at the brink of the mouth
Thus if willing & the mind is strong
Ignorance to pain become bliss
Basked then in the blessings
that comes silently

Its a long long walk
Where nothing seems right
and nothing seems wrong
the temper flares
mostly uncalled
Frustrations struggle for attention
leaving loveones
in despair
If willing, and the mind is strong
Each days and each steps
taken in strides
Crying when tears helps to relieve
recognise laughter and learn to breathe
hugs and kisses readily give

a long long walk
chemicals galore
a buffet table indeed
Cocktails with fanciful names
Needles wins the game
Fear builds for the changes
every day
If willing and the mind is strong
Sigh no more
For challenges can be seen
as reasons to fight for one more day
thus it is a long long walk indeed
But life is too good
so just live...

No Coldplay for me:(

2009-02-20T19:20:00.002+08:00

Yup, I hesitated, cos the price of the seats available was not an amount I was readily willing to fork out when i first went into Sistic website to check out the seats availability.

And now.. I knock my head against the wall 10000000 times. Cos just when I finally am desperate enough to pay more than what i am willing to pay to go.... its all GONE.... what's this thing about BAD economy ?????

Hello we have people are paying such obscene amount of money to see a bunch of guys crooning their hit songs.......

OKOK ITS COLDPLAY!

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh........ the only way to comfort myself now is that...they are not U2...

If I miss U2....

Don't just knock my head on the wall.. I am yours to torture cos I plain deserve it....

Conclusion... NO COLDPLAY FOR ME:P

and I am NOT HAPPY...grrrrrrr

Thank you for all your prayers for my Dad

2009-02-20T19:16:00.001+08:00

Dear all,
I am sorry this came later than it should.
But I want to sincerely Thank everyone who has been praying for me and my Dad during the past week.

Its because of your prayers and your kindness that we are still here..

God Bless you all too.... You cannot imagine how much you have done for me.....

I am truly blessed.

Love Fleur

Results for now...

2009-02-20T09:37:00.003+08:00

Scan was not clear as I could not take the IV contrast due to the high creatinine activity level. Thank God I made the decision to try drinking the oral contrast, so yah, can still see abit bit. Seems like most things are stable, hahah... actually the actual words on my Scan report is as per below

" The liver is fatty. There are ill-defined hypodensities scattered in the liver which correlated with the hepatic metastasis seen in the preivous scan. However proper assessment of lesion size is not possible in a NECT. "

I have no idea what NECT means....

In general, other than the fact that they cannot make proper assessment of solid organs of the abdomen.... everything else looks stable...

My CEA is still at 11.0 which is similar to the last scan.

My creatanine serum (Kidney Function) dropped from a high 109 down to a 43 yesterday ... YIPPIE DOOO DOOOO

My liver function - some up some dow.
Protein Total, serun from 72 down to 66
Albumin, Serun from a 40 down to a 38
Bilirubin Total, Serum from a 13 to a 12
Alkaline Phosphatase went up from a 108H to a 128H <=====more activity in my liver....
Alanine Transaminase serum from 35 to a 33
Aspartate Transaminase, serum from a 39H to a 33

Overall... I think the result is VERY GOOD... All down except for 1.... what more can i ask for?

So you see there is truth to how the state of mind can affect one's results... and I tell you I have been feeling soo good mentally and emotionally this past weeks, despite worry for Dad.... somehow I just feel that I want to live longer

Anyway, despite all, Doc decided that I should let my body go on a holiday. Be clean and chemical free as much as possible... okok I cannot avoid my Bone Spa (zometa jab)
Hence, the holiday starts now till March 26th 2009.

The wonderful lady has prepared me for my results then to be much higher than what it is now, since there will be no chemicals in the body to keep the naughty cells quiet..... and that I should not be alarmed....

She really knows me well:P

So I am just going to stay so ever positive... and lets see whether everything stays stable.... Orrrrrr........

I am actually looking for my Bone SPA today. Not the needle poking part nor towards the side effects that comes with it...But the bone has been rather painful the past days.... I feel like some old lady .... waking up in the morning is a HUGE Chore... wait not only in the morning, anytime of the night where I need to get up to peee... Aiyoooooooooo i feel like a 100 years old..... there is no way the body allows you to escape from what it needs you know....

So yes next week I will be 37+ again.. feeling normal bone achings like what 37+ women suppose to feel ha ha ha....

This is FRIDAY...and lets just thank God that we've survived another week!!!!

ahhhh I finally saw sCloud!!!

2009-02-19T15:37:00.002+08:00

Its amazing, today is a good day. I finally get to meet Scloud..someone that I admire for her cheerfulness and courage! She looks soo good and I am dead jealous about her "brown Fats" he he.....

I got to meet her famous shuai Ge as well...They are truly nice and I tell you I admire the bond both scloud and shuai ge has... it makes me believe in marriage again ha ha ha...All I can say is seeing the support that Shuai Ge gives her beloved wife... makes me realise I made the best decision to leave that ex hubby of mine...cos really, he would be embarrassed *laugh*

anyway I am happy to see her looking soo good and Gosh she is sooo young!!!!!

Thank you Scloud for coming over to say Hi.....even though you had to identify my crooked teeth HAHAHAHAHAHAH

HUGS... JIA YOU!

Dad's Home

2009-02-17T16:31:00.002+08:00

Well, finally Dad's out of hospital and has just gone home this afternoon.
Though, this is going to be a long long road, not only for him, but mum, ML and me. Of course Jie too...

Diagnosis of Dad
1. Diabetes still high, though alittle more stable
Action required : daily oral medication and nightly insulin injection, daily monitoring of his blood sugar level

2. Internal bleeding : - 2 cm tumour found in the are between the small intestines and pancreas. The tumour bleeds because it rubs against the walls of the small intestines hence causing internal bleeding aka loss of blood therefore the low blood count.

Action required : To start radiation next week. Now Dad is being referred back to National Cancer Centre

3. Cancer spread :- Confirmed Dad's cancer from the kidney has spread to the intestine, brain and lungs.
Lung's 2nd tumour which is located at the lower left lobe of his lungs is now about 11 x 8.5 cm big. The tumour in the brain is too small to measure for now. Then there is the small intestine one (pt 2) which is about 2 cm

Action Plan : Radiation to shrink the tumour in intestine and brain.
To discuss about chemotherapy after the Radiation Cycle for the lungs.

Like me... Dad's priority is to keep his quality of life

For now, to prevent him from staying in the hospital for too long and to lower his risk of contracting Hospital Acquired diseases, we will let him do Radiation as an outpatient. Only if he should not be able to handle the side effects from Radiation, will we ward him to monitor also his blood count and his kidney function.

Other than his babyish antics. I have to say that Dad is alright for now.

Dad@hospital

2009-02-13T23:01:00.002+08:00

This week has been quite taxing emotionally
Dad was hospitalised on Tuesday evening.

He has not been acting normal the past 2 weeks. Especially during last weekend. He was more blur than normal, and seems to be very confused most of the time. Tuesday morning he woke up feeling really dizzy, but we thought that it was the little sleep that has been getting the day before.

Mum was frantic in the afternoon , when my stubborn Dad went about his usual habit of searching and packing his stuff in the room throughout the day despite feeling all dizzy and unwell. Many times while walking around the house, he felt faint, and mum was very afraid that she would not have the strength to carry him if he should really collaspe.

So yes, it was multiple calls to Jie as Bro as usual was not reachable.

ML came home around 6pm and finally managed to get Bro, and thank God ML insisted on admitting Dad into the hospital.

At the A&E, Dad's diabetes was "off the chart"

We have all totally forgotten about his diabetic state, as the last time we saw the doctor, his diabetic level was controlled.
Sigh, I guess during this CNY, he over indulged. We realised that, all the New year cookies that has gone missing over the new year period were the work of Dad.

I am also guilty, for I plied him with Ice cream, green tea or anything that he requested when he went out with me and friends last week too...sigh...... how ignorant I am...there he is showing signs of his diabetes, with the giddiness, the loss of weight, the frequent visits to toilet etc. Yet, I was not alert enough to remember that these were obvious signs of diabetes.....

Anyway, upon admission to the hospital, he is found to have very low blood count.
Hence they had to give him 2 packets of blood.
The doctors only realised that there is possibility of an internal bleeding when his stools were charcoal black in colour....

Hmmm.....

The past few days I think have been quite horrible for him. They did an endoscopy on Wednesday, and saw this leision which confirmed the internal bleeding. Then on Thursday they did another Endoscopy, this time using a video, to check out that leision. It is found to be a lump which is about 2cm, found just beyond the stomach before the Bowel area. The bleeding seems to be intermittent.
What pissed me off was that they asked for another Endoscopy again on Friday. This time explaining that they now have to use the Ultrascan to have abetter look at the lump, and also to make sure that there are no such other leisions around that area. At the same time, they will take out some tissues to do a Biopsy.

Doctors suspect that this may be related to his Kidney tumour that was removed in 2005.

We are praying it is not. We hope that it is just a growth and its not cancerous.

For you see, Dad has only 1 kidney left.
He is diabetic
His blood count is very low.

I think Chemo will kill him instead of helping him.

Yesterday, I was very upset when I went to the other ward that they wanted to transfer him to. It was soooooo smelly and the air was soo stale, i went back to his current ward and told the nurse that I wanted my father to stay put where he is now. I am glad I was very firm. For really, I cannot afford to put my father in any risk. He is already in hospital longer than I would like. I really do not want him to contact any other disease than what he has been admitted for.

Today, I brought my table air ionizer to put near his bed. I hope with that it will help ionise the air around his bed....

I pray to God each and everyday for Dad to be well.

Iknow I make fun about my father alot. I know he irritates me alot. But I love my Dad alot.
Despite all, despite our fights, despite everything that he has done.

He is a dad, that loves his children unconditionally.
He is a dad that made sure his children had everything we need.
He is a dad that for all his wrongs, he never neglected his children.

We are always no.1 in his life.

He is a dad that trusts me for everything I say. Even when I ask money to buy "lao Fu zhi" comics on the pretext of improving my chinese.

He is a dad that would travel all the way to town, just to bring me my handphone
He is a dad that would not hesitate to travel all the way to my previous apartment at the other end of Singapore (almost 2 hours travel time) to bring me soup that mum has made for me.
He is a dad, that despite not having much money, made sure I was able to continue my overseas study and have enough money to survive during that period.

He is also a dad, that always make sure, even till this day that I have enough money.....

This is my father, and I am not ready for him to go...

So God please hear my prayer. I promise to be more patient.
I promise to scream less. I promise to be more tolerant.
God please let the lump not be cancer. Let me be the only one to suffer this battle, I know I will fight it hard, please let me be the only one doing the fighting.
It is enough Lord, that I go through all the treatments. Please let my father live well and healthy for many more years. We love him and he is a very big part in our lives....we are not ready to let him go to you yet Lord. Please Lord with you Grace, please let this all be one terrible scare, a wake up call for me to be a better daughter. I am awake lord I am awake. I will be a better daughter. I will... I promise.... I will try my utmost best....In jesus name I pray...
Amen.

Art Therapy to start...

2009-02-09T15:47:00.009+08:00

***************UPDATED 18th FEB 2009**********************************
Class is cancelled for now..... till Dad gets better..... still calling out to fellow Wonder women who are interested..... including caregivers if you have the time... drop me an emaillll
***********************************************************************************

A note from the teacher.....
"I hope more Wonderwomen/ caregivers will join the art classes as it will be a good time to unwind and express themselves creatively. The art class is started with that purpose in mind actually. I was a caregiver for my cancer-strikened mum before and I know how physically and emotionally stressful it can get. -fitti"

Ok Fitti and I have discussed, we will target to start the classes soon....

Target Start date : 21st Feb 2009 (Saturday)

Venue : Most likely at Rosyth Road (Fitti's place)

Time : 4-5pm

Topic: Basics ( Learn how to draw first)

Materials : TBA

Cost : Cost of Materials only - if you have own please bring your own.

Student confirmed so far : Fleur, Cindy

For those that are confirmed interested in attending this class, please either drop me a comment here with your email address so that I am able to send you the address etc for the class.
Or you can choose to email me at fleurg07sjourney@gmail.com

Alkaline Water & Me....

2009-02-09T09:55:00.003+08:00

Well since Gary brought this up *smile*

I will share this from my other blog :D

http://fleurg07.multiply.com/journal/item/448/Alkaline_

Extracted from my other blog on Alkaline water

Yes I am so completely serious about having my Quality of life, I have just officially become one of the many people who talks non stop about Alkaline water. Why? They say if we keep our Body PH level balance or slightly more alkaline..... the cancer cells will DIE ! YEAH! aiya whatever lah, the most important thing is I have a new toy...yup yup....now i have this machine at my kitchen sink, which gives me alkaline and acidic water...how cool is that?Alkaline water is for drinking and the acidic water to give me the best skin EVER..YOOO HOOO..... nope nope I am not high on anything but then again...maybe its the high amount of oxygen that is goinground my body now HA HA HA...ok lah....i spend quite abit on this machine, at least give me some slack here, to rave about it for awhile right????? Come on its a brand new toy.... but abit leychey though....
Anyway, managed to download a picture of it in here lah.... anyone wants alkaline water..come come..... heheh....

For more information on this Water System.....click here

I have been drinking Alkaline water since 2006. Maybe it has helped to keep my cancer at bay despite the continuos relasped in the past 3 years. Then again, I don't know, I may had been gone even faster *laugh*

I am not helping anyone to do any marketing here. Like i said, I will only share things that I am currently using. Its definitely still your perogative.

From what I understand that time, we could buy this water system on installment basis hahah so yup I have fully paid up and the system is now mine mine mine !!!!

My parents and sister are also using this system.....

Well if you want alkaline water but you do not wish to invest in such an expensive water system, the best alternative is pure lemon juice with water!!! NO MAPLE SYRUP please cos that will make the juice/water acidic instead of Alkaline.

Some reference materials on how ionized alkaline water helps in our battle with Cancer

http://www.cancertutor.com/Cancer/IonizedWater.html

http://mysite.verizon.net/felipe2/id31.html

http://ezinearticles.com/?Drinking-Alkaline-Water-Vs-Purified-Water&id=1249551

"Flower" - HUA

2009-02-05T10:38:00.005+08:00

Odd title isn't it? *laugh*

Though it may seem to be of Absolute no Relevance to this topic I am going to write about today, yet it makes lots of sense to me... you may call this an inside secret? *grin*

Day 3 to day 5 was very easy yet not easy for me this time round. Easy, cos I am practically in bed all the time drifting in and out of sleep, not easy, because, I feel so bloody useless and weak. I really hate being useless and weak, though that is very different from me being lazy HAHAHHA

The difference is?

Being Lazy is a choice... being Weak and Useless is NOT:P

Okok I am going out of topic again... Anyway, today's blog I want to remember a friendship. A friendship that keeps coming into my mind as I look into my past. A friendship that I treasure alot, a friendship that I was blessed with, so that I am still here, sane enough to write about it *grin*

All started when I was talking to Jie the other day about something I was quite upset with over another friend...and she made a simple remark...

Jie:" Why are you more tolerant with some friends and less tolerant with another?"

That question literally stumped me, and hence started the whole mind thinking and reexamining Me and my attitude towards friendship all over again.

Jie is right. I hate to admit it.. Darn! But she hit the nail on the spot.....

hence, when I was looking back at all the friends that have been in my life, at the different times of my life, i thought of this friendship.

This friend is someone I knew since day 1 *grin*, lets call her Hua

I remember vividly how we got to know one another, it was primary 1 and she was in the same class as me. We were sitting on the mat right infront of the classroom, and she had tears in her eyes as she looked forlornly outside the window where her mother stood waving.

As I look at her red teary eyes, I remember asking myself, why the tears? Why is everyone crying when school was a brand new exciting experience?

I cannot say that Hua and I are tight friends right from the start. I cannot remember how we got closer. But somehow, there were days that we were best of friends, and there were days we were not.

There were times in our primary school where she hung out with friends that I completely dislike and me vice versa. Yet I remember clearly, the long walk we will take to walk home from school.

I remember her mother's laksa and Mee siam.

I remember staying over at her place, waking up to wonderfully mouth watering smells. I can even picture her house right in my mind

Somehow, we were very different but yet very similar.

I could tell her every single thing that is happening in my life, and I thought she could too.
She is definitely the one and only person who knows about my first crush when I was in Primary 6. Yes Christopher HA HA HA.. the FOUR EYES TOAD hahahahahahaha...GOSH!

We talked about everything and anything.

I remember the terrible incident of us being caught for shop lifting. How my brother took the easy way out of blaming her for the incident and hence banning her from my friends list. Of course our friendship survived that period.

I remember how each time when I am most hurt, most upset, most lost, she is the first friend that I would turn to for comfort.

I remember how we both will go party together and get into mischieve that only we both will know *grin*

I remember how for the sake of dancing we will even explore places like the Oasis. HA HA

I remember how often, we would return to her place after a late night of partying.

I remember how I always admire the way she dances and would try to learn.

I remember how amazed I am with her singing that i cannot stop telling people who she can really master that Faye Wongs "Wo Yuan Yi" perfectly.

I remember that she was the first person to give me a sketch book to encourage me to pursue my dream of being a fashion designer after i did some crap drawings of some dresses.

How with her, I always feel it is safe to be just me and not have to pretend to be anyone else.

This is one friendship where we will drift away at times to lead our own lives, but whenever I needed a friend to be there, a friend to share a secret who I can share with no one. She is the friend that I will remember. She is the friend that I will turn to. Never once all those times did she fail me.

I remember when I was in JC, about 2 months before my "A" Levels, I was hit with a news that devastated me. Trust me, I cannot even write about that in any of my blogs, nor do I really want to be reminded of that incident. But you see I have to mention it so that I can remind myself how much this friend has been there for me.

Anyway, when I had that terrible terrible news. I was lost. I did not know who I could to turn to. Nor was I able to face it all on my own. During that period, Hua and I were living our lives seperately. She was struggling with work, earning her keeps and me all pampered still trying to prepare for my A levels. We were also hanging out with different groups of friends, most times way too busy to even catch up.

But I remember, I remember picking up the phone in desperation, telling her my darkest fears.
Despite not being in touch with one another as often as we would like, there was no hesitation. Her first reaction was to just be there for me throughout the whole incident.
I really don't know what I would have done if she did not offer to be there for me. Her being there , standing by me, holding my hands as I walked through what I had to walk through then. Her presence, probably saved my life. I really don't know what I would have done if I had to face it all on my own.

But you see, I am selfish. I take friendships for granted. I take people who love me for granted and instead shower attention on friendships that were actually not worth my time.

I prided myself of being a good friend, base on how I was with other friends that only took from me, I was blind to friends that gave and gave, and I just kept on taking.

Hua's friendship was one of those that I did not stop taking.

While she struggled through work to support herself. while she suffered through losing her parents. I did nothing.

When she suffered through her self esteem, and depression, I was not there for her. When she cried to me for help, I did not know nor understand why she needed help. For she was always the one there for me, hence when the role was reversed, I was lost, I was an idiot. I did not even have the grace to just be there and hold her hands.

Instead, I got upset and hurt when she finally voiced out her frustration. I got hurt and allowed my pride get the better of me when she gave me constructive criticism on how I was conducting my life. I got upset and petty when she made the smart choice of leaving this friendship at bay for no longer was it a positive thing in her life.
I could not understand her choice then. My pride got better of me, my ego was battered. I was a selfish idiot.

But she was never far away. Despite everything I have been....

I remember when I was hospitalised in 2001. Although we've drifted apart for years. But i remember her coming over in the middle of the night, finding time in her busy schedule, she came to visit me in the hospital.

Despite again not keeping in constant contact with one another, when I sent her my wedding invitation, not only did she take time out of her busy schedule, but after going through a very difficult time of her life then, she bothered to attend the most important occassion of my life then , my wedding dinner. Even if it was not for the entire dinner, I was touched beyond words. But did I do anything or say anything then? Obviously no...sigh...

She is always there for me, be it happy, sad or joyous.

But I was never there when she fell, when she needed a hand, when she got married, when she gave birth to her beautiful son, when she had problems.

I never and still don't know how to be that friend I wish i can be for her. Tll this day, I am still taking the easy way out. I keep quiet and lament.

My Dear friend,
If you are reading this.

I want to

Thank you, for being my friend, for blessing me which such a friendship that I don't believe I deserve.

I am sorry for never ever being there for you when you need a friend most.

Whatever you are going through now , I am praying each and every night for you that, God will take care of things for you.

Please know that , if it is within my means, I want to be there for you too.

Remember to stay strong, like how you have always been for me.

I want you to know that, people whose life you have touched, are very blessed to have known you and to have you in their lives.

I know your son has gotten himself the best mother possible.

Don't ever give up on yourself and let anyone make you believe that you are not worth it, or you are nothing.

For that is not true. You are alot of things. You have so much to give.

You have more strength in you that you think you don't have.

I thank God each and everyday that you have had friends that were better than me, at least they were there for you.

I wish you happiness every day, for no one deserves it more than you.

:)

Forward march!

2009-02-03T13:07:00.004+08:00

Well, today i feel human again! Yeah!

Just finished cycle 6, doc says to have a scan, and then decide what to do next. First of all, the current cocktail of drugs that I am on, has lost its effectiveness, yup. Blood test last thursday, shows an upward trend again in my CEA, its gone up to a 11.5 from 8.7.

The liver and kidney is again showing some abnormality in activity.

So what happens next?
I will have a scan next week. To see whether the tumours have really start growing, and then decide whether I should take a short short rest before i try a new cocktail, or whether it is possible to take a longer rest before I start another cocktail :D

Made it clear to Doc that my focus in Quality of Life, i really don't want to be an irony where I die from treatment rather from the disease *grin*

This time round, somehow I handled the news pretty ok. Not sure why, maybe because cycle 5 was pretty easy to bear. Maybe because my state of mind is much more positive than it was during cycle 3 & 4, so that helps.

So far Cycle 6 has treated me pretty ok as well, so yah other than complaining about me and my fatness, I really have nothing much to gripe about.

Doc and I came to a conclusion that, sometimes, the state of one's mind is really very important, and through how I have coped the past couple of cycles, it is very clear that how Chemo and its side effects works on me is pretty significant with my state of mind, and how I approach it.

For awhile I focused on my death, how I will die, what i should do if I should leave etc etc.

Since now I have more or less settled some of the things I should prepare If I should leave.. I will now focus on living my life, if I should LIVE *laugh*

I cannot keep thinking I am going to die soon, then I don't make plans for the future. What if I really have a future, and I had not done anything about it?
That will be taking the gun and shooting it right through my head right?

So yes, Everyone will leave one day, its just a matter of sooner or later.... hence as long as one is still alive today, we will still need to plan :)

I am looking forward to my 38th Birthday, cos I hope by then I will lose some of these unwanted fats that is starting to put me in a uncomfortable zone. Yes I am griping about it cos its not making me like me.. I am clumsy, I now snore when I sleep and I cannot even fit into clothes that I want to wear :P

I am vain. I have always been vain. Hence, this sickness should not stop me from being vain *grin*

Doc nodded her head enthusiastically when I told her I plan to start a running regime..... *roll eyes* so that tells you quite alot what she thinks already right? HA HA HA

Ok on a serious note.. vanity aside. The weight increase is getting way too alarming. I am afraid it will lead to other complications , fat related complications eg. Diabetes , heart problems etc.

I cannot afford that.. fighting cancer is already not an easy job hahah I don't need its cousins to join in the battle tooo you know...

So yes.... Please pray for me... that the Glutton in me will be surpressed and please pray that I will have the will power to make it good this time round.....

JIA YOU!

Facing the loss of a fellow fighter...

2009-01-30T23:00:00.007+08:00

I would like to take this opportunity to share how I feel each time I face the loss of a fellow fighter.... that I have come to know or follow.

These thoughts have all been swirling round my head since that day when I did the short documentary for Molly with the Poly students.

One of the last few questions put across to me by the "director" got me thinking.....

Director: "how did Molly's passing affect you?"

Another question I was asked was

Directore " Do you think it was fair that God took Molly away so quickly"

That brought me back to May 2008, when I lost some people I knew personally to the Cancer Monster.

Then on Tuesday, we lost Shin.

First I would like to share, how I am affected, what are some of the selfish thoughts that crosses my mind, what are the fears that starts to build within me as I grasped with the death.

I think the first thing when I hear of the loss, the first thing that hits me in the face is Reality.
I am thrown into Reality, how fragile life is. How we can be here today and gone tomorrow.
How I should have done more for these people, talk to them more, see them more, make more effort to be there for them. How real it is that I will no longer hear about them, talk to them, see them. This is permanent. They are gone. Till maybe one day when its time for me to go on that journey that they have embarked on, hopefully we all head to the same destiny, or at least stay in the same estate of mansions that God has built for us. What if Heaven is way too big?

Then another trail of thoughts will start invade my mind, for then I will start to realise ,
How having cancer is real! How our fight for our lives is Real. How real it is that no matter how hard we fight we will somehow one day lose to the monster. Its all a matter of when?

How real that I can be that person that has moved on, leaving behind love ones that grieves.

Looking at their love ones grieving over their passing, makes me imagine, my love ones grieving for me.
Its truly morbid thoughts that goes through my brain. Not that I want to be negative, but somehow, my over imaginative mind starts seeing the images oh so clearly.

I am thankful to hear that most of them has moved on quietly and peacefully in their sleep.

Handling Shin's death was easier, maybe I have grieved enough last year losing actual people I know.

However, I still do not have the courage to attend her memorial. Not because I don't respect this woman, trust me, she's got my respect alright for her true fighting spirit through and through. However, I cannot deny that I don't identify with her, I cannot deny that the thought that I one day soon can easily be her, my pictures coming out in the orbituary.

Don't get me wrong, I am not afraid of death itself. But I am afraid of saying goodbye to my love ones...

Also I don't know how I will be able to handle looking at her two beautiful kids, and husband grieving over such a wonderful person.

Please don't be mistaken, I am not sharing this thoughts because I am being negative, I am sharing because this is how I feel.

I am not Ms Super Woman. But I know this will not stop me from fighting, so if you are a fellow Fighter as well. If you have the same thoughts, I assure you, you are not alone.

But please, this is not going to stop me from fighting hard against the monsters in me. This should not stop anyone from fighting as well.

It is real... So what?? I have learnt the more real it is the more we should face it. The more we know that we may come to this stage one day, the more we should value each and every day that we still have our quality of life. Even if one day we should come to a point where our fight against the monster does not seem to succeeding, its ok, for we must remember we did not give up.

Now we should treasure our love ones more, spend more time with them, and never stop telling the people you love, that you love them.....

As I thought through the question, I realised, I am greatful that I had a chance to know these fighters. I am thankful that they have shared their journey with me. They have allowed me to prepare better.

Gloomy Monster Claws are OUT!

2009-01-28T15:11:00.004+08:00

Well, the 2009 gloom is hitting too close to home today *laugh*

Email is out from HQ - cost savings measures in place is not enough....

Which means..... hmmmmm..other measures have to be taken....

So..... will i have a job.... in the next couple of months?

I don't know... but I am keeping my fingers cross.. I still have my medical bills to pay....
then again, I also will understand if I am the chosen few....considering my productivity level...which is less than ideal...

So lets see how....

will the Gloomy monster grasp me by the collar this time round? Or will I escape its clutches to survive another couple of months? A year? a few years?

If I become a victim, what will i do? hmmm... probably be a receptionist... or would anyone want to hire me as their PA? i am quite cheap you know *laugh*

A New Year ... A New Look

2009-01-28T11:37:00.003+08:00

Everything is going to start great and new this year.

Hence the New Look in my blog.......

Whatever Happens, it happens for a reason.

This new year, we've lost a fellow fighter.
Let's not despair, for she is starting a brand new life!

2008 was tough for me.

I lost many love ones to cancer.
Which made me realised I could be one of them

I had another relasped

I almost said goodbye

Yet, 2008

I learnt alot

I learnt that, being positive mentally helps with coping with the Chemo treatments not only emotionally but also managing the side effects that comes with it

I learnt to treasure people who matters more

I learnt to be more patient

In 2009..

I need to learn to be

1. a better daugher
2. a better sister
3. a better aunty - try not to be soo irritating - maybe learn to act my age
4. a better friend

I need to be

1. More positive
2. strengthen my faith in God
3. Be more active in helping someone out there that truly needs help
4. more patient

I need to also

1. Fight Harder
2. LOSE WEIGHT
3. Eat more Healthily....

Lets all give a moment of Silence for Shin

2009-01-28T09:51:00.003+08:00

I have only recently found out about Shin's story.

I have one wish, anyone who happens to drop by my blog, to give her a Moment of Silence, in respect of this Fighter. A very strong one, who remained true to herself right to the end.

She fought hard, She believed, She never gave up hope, keeping it so real even right to the end.
Her love for her family comes across soo strong, you can do nothing but to respect this woman even though you don't know her.

Shin, whereever you are. I am glad your sufferings are over. Watch over your kids and your love ones.

Your courage in your fight, is something the rest of us can learn, not only for us to fight against cancer, but applicable to our day to day life.

Your ability to stay true and honest to yourself, about everything including your pending death is admirable.

Thank you for sharing your story, even it was meant for your kids to understand their mother.

Remembering Molly

2009-01-27T17:46:00.002+08:00

A couple of weeks back, a poly studen doing Film studies kinda approached me, and asked me whether I was interested in helping out for her documentary film that she was planning to do about Molly.

I was very hesitant at first, cos first i am camera shy, second, cos I am fat, I know film will make me even fatter *laugh*

Then i thought about it, its about Molly.... and there is so much i want to say I want to remember, with my memory getting the better of me now adays, I thought this would
1. Be something to help me remember the short friendship I had with Molly
2. A good experience for me
3. to help these students out

It was a very fun experience I must say, albeit an emotional one....

The crew were really nice, and it is soo good to see the young people being soo passionate about what they are doing.
I truly enjoy the day of filming that they had to do.

It was tiring but definitely fulfilling.

I am thankful for this experience too, because, it also gave me an opportunity to say what I would like to say to Molly if she is looking down.... and seeing what the students are doing for her.. I think its beautiful... Amateur or not...

The motivation behind this film is amazing, and indeed its only so deserving for Molly and what she has attempted to do.

I miss the Wonderwoman, and its a pity no one else ===> especially me, who does not have enough patience and courage to keep the support group going.

Molly, thank you...And I hope with this recording... everyone else will remember you

Skills of Wearing heels....is not forever!

2009-01-23T09:35:00.003+08:00

I learnt recently that, the skill of walking in heels, especially those 2.5 inch and above, is not a skill which once you master, you will keep forever. It is NOT like knowing how to ride a bicycle where you learn how to handle a bike, even 10 years down the road, you will still know how to ride a bike *pout*

I have stopped wearing heels beginning of 2008...and Now??? I am hopeless in them!!!

I now feel like this Clumsy Giant wobbling on two stilts :P

And to think that I used to be able to walk , Run and even Jump in heels that are are 3inches and above..........

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.....